Chapter Blue
Tyra Valeriano, host of Chapter Blue, comes with 11 years of law enforcement experience and talks about mental health, self-care, work-life balance and more. Through honest conversations and personal experience, Chapter Blue allows for officers worldwide to share their stories, struggles, and successes both on and off duty and to give the public an insight to what the media has made into such a controversial profession. The podcast will establish the connection to the important topics and struggles in law enforcement and open up to all first responder roles in the new year to address how interchangeable the roles relate to the struggle. Join the conversation, because it’s long overdue!
Chapter Blue
My Story: Vulnerability, Resilience, and Finding Balance
In this deeply personal solo bonus episode of Chapter Blue, your host, Tyra Valeriano, shares her story for the first time. From the challenges of balancing motherhood and a law enforcement career to the emotional weight of tough decisions, Tyra talks about how her experiences shaped her journey in and out of law enforcement.
Listen as she discusses her struggles of work-life balance, the impact of trauma, and the lessons learned about priorities, mental health, and resilience. This episode is a raw, honest conversation meant to inspire, connect, and remind listeners that they are never alone in their journey.
Whether you’re in law enforcement, a first responder, or someone looking to navigate life’s challenges, Tyra’s story may resonate with you and offer perspective on the importance of healing, support, and staying true to your “why.”
Let us know what you loved about this episode!
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Welcome to Chapter Blue, the podcast where we discuss the world of law enforcement through an honest conversation on tough or controversial topics, real stories, perspectives and experience from officers all around the world. Whether you're here for insights on mental health, self-care, work-life balance, getting into law enforcement, getting out of law enforcement, or just trying to learn about personal and professional challenges officers face every day, you've come to the right place. I'm your host, tyra Valeriano, and whether I'm going solo or speaking with a guest, each episode will discuss different aspects of life behind the badge. Let's turn the page and step into Chapter Blue. Hey, everyone, today is a bonus episode and I figured I would post this before the holidays kind of like a treat, I guess. If you will, I will not be having a guest today and this will be a solo episode, and I really just wanted to go over everything that I've learned so far about the podcast and I guess it's my turn to share my story. So I wanted to make sure I was ready before actually putting this out there into the world, because it's been a topic I have not yet really went into detail with on any podcast and I've held it very dear to my heart. But for starters, I wanted to tell you guys thank you. I know I say that on every podcast, but thank you so much for your support.
Tyra Valeriano :I have gotten some really great feedback and there has been times where I have posted a episode and you know I hadn't gotten any feedback, as it's been maybe two, three days, and then all of a sudden I get feedback from someone who thanks me for posting something relative to them and it kind of gave me this feeling of fulfillment because the whole purpose of the podcast is for that it's. This isn't something I get paid for. This isn't something that I am looking to make fame from. It really is just time invested into something that I feel passionate about and it's solely based off of it, stemmed from my own experiences in law enforcement and seeing my life for what it is now versus what it was before and what I wish I would have known. Having different aspects and perspectives on the show really gave me a different perspective as well being on the host side on what others may be going through, because I will be the first to admit that I am not used to being on the host side.
Tyra Valeriano :I've only done a few podcasts since I've left law enforcement, and I think I mentioned it before when I first started this podcast that I was very uncomfortable talking about some of the things that I experienced, and when I had heard it back for the first time, I realized it didn't come out the way I wanted to and it was definitely not the way I felt. I didn't know how to express the way I felt and I gained this perspective from a guest that I had is that when we want to talk about certain things, they may not come out the way we want them to because we aren't ready to talk about them, or if we do want to talk about it, we don't know how to express that. And I think that was a really pivotal point for me when I realized that's where I was at when I first got out of law enforcement. Also, there are a few perspectives from guests that I've had where I did disagree and I had to really teach myself that this isn't a debate and this isn't about what I agree with or disagree with.
Tyra Valeriano :Being a police officer and coming from a background where we ask nothing but questions and we try to get the information that we need, it's a lot different being on a podcast and asking for questions not really to get information but to gain perspective. It's a different kind of question and it's a skill and, if you haven't noticed by listening to my podcast already, I feel that there are times where I do struggle on how to ask the question without sounding like a cop or without sounding too invasive, because I'm looking for information. I'm really just wanting perspective and to hear the story of my guests. And it is a learning curve for me because this is a different I guess you can say it's a different spot than being that of the guest or being in a position of a police officer. It's just very different.
Tyra Valeriano :So the podcast has definitely been something that is uncomfortable for me. It's put me in a position where I dove in and I and I do this often I dive into these things that I want to do and I don't really have any preparation. I just kind of learn as I go. Now, is that a bad thing or a good thing? I guess you can see it both ways, but I'm going to say for me, because I have the time right now to be able to learn things as I go, I wouldn't really consider it a bad thing.
Tyra Valeriano :I do feel very uncomfortable at times because I know that there are a lot of skills and ways to do things on a podcast that I haven't learned yet. But my guests have been 1000% supportive and they are great speakers, they have great knowledge, experiences and sometimes I feel that I don't even know how to respond, because it's another skill, right, responding in law enforcement is responding to the actions of others, versus responding to a story and not really knowing what to say. There's been a couple of guests that I've had where I was speechless. I honestly didn't even know how to respond because I mean, you hear what they've gone through and you know the struggles that they've had and I'm looking at them in just disbelief. And there was a couple of times that there was a tearjerker in there and I'm not one that cries. I mean, I very rarely cry. I couldn't even tell you Well, I could tell you the last time I cried, but it's actually relevant to my story that I plan to share with you guys. But yeah, it just there's some feelings in there that you just can relate to these people, because we've done the job, we've been there, we know what that feels like and to know that you know, even if somebody you worked with that you care about went through that and they didn't say anything. And you're hearing the stories of my guests and thinking about that and knowing that, wow, this person that's sitting in front of me on Zoom is telling me this story and it's just unbelievable that we don't talk about these things and I don't know. I just found this to be a really great experience for me and I honestly had no idea that it would be this. I don't know this emotional, I guess and I don't mean emotional on the crying side, I mean emotional on the heartfelt, vulnerability side and actually having the ability to feel what these guests have felt during their darkest times it's pretty wild.
Tyra Valeriano :I have gotten some bits and pieces from each of my guests, which I'm hoping that my listeners have also been able to do. There is some things that I was asked that was not recorded, and one of my guests asked me what was my why? And I actually have been asked this before and I've never really put thought into it because I felt like it wasn't relevant to me. I didn't need to know what my why was right. I knew why I got into law enforcement, but that's not the only why that I should have asked myself it's why did you get out? And I've never really asked that because in my head I already knew why I got out, which is part of my story that I plan to tell you today. It really hit me talking to him on the podcast, because it clicked and I thought, holy shit, I know my why. Because it clicked and I thought, holy shit, I know my why. And it was kind of like an aha moment for me because I've never really sat here and thought about it. I just thought I knew, and when you actually have the time to sulk into everything and really get a grasp, I guess, on what it is that you're trying to answer for yourself, I think that it helps you find those answers and I kind of felt like that was that moment for me.
Tyra Valeriano :There was also another guest that told me hey, you know, I listened to your first podcast. They followed me on social media whether I can't remember if it was LinkedIn or Instagram, but you know they said that you've said you've been through some things and you haven't shared your story. So we know that you've been a police officer, we know that you've been through some things, but what have you been through? Because we can't relate to you because we don't know your story and I didn't really know how to respond to that other than, yes, I do need to tell my story. But that's also the part on when you're ready to tell your story.
Tyra Valeriano :Because when people come on to this podcast, I don't want people to feel forced to talk about things that they have been through. I want people to be ready. I want people to know that when they're ready to talk about whatever they want to talk about, that there's going to be somebody out there who relates to them and will find value in what it is that they experienced and can say hey, I feel like I'm going through that and they want to know what worked for you, they want to know what you did. And so when he mentioned that I haven't really shared my story, I feel like a big part of it is because it's not about law enforcement on why I got out. It's also because it's a very sensitive topic for me and I just never really felt ready. But I do want to be able to talk about my story, because another guest also said hey, you know, if this is your healing journey by doing the podcast, at what point do you think that you're going to close the door on law enforcement, and it actually made me think and it prompted me to go ahead and share my story this go around, because it's not about law enforcement.
Tyra Valeriano :For me, this isn't a healing journey from law enforcement. What I am going through is a healing journey from my personal life while I was, how law enforcement contributed to either helping me but yet also being the devil's advocate, if you will, in my situation, and I feel like, if I were to finally share my story, that maybe there might be one person out there or maybe there might be a handful of people who can relate to me. I am expected to get, you know, some feedback that maybe isn't so good, or maybe I will get feedback that is very supportive. I don't know what to expect, because it's scary being vulnerable and putting something out there that you don't share with people, because there is so much judgment out there and since I've been out of law enforcement, I've had a handful of officers that I didn't yes, that I worked with, but also that I worked with indirectly. We didn't work at the same agency and you know I've heard what people have said about me. I've heard what stories people had and there was also things that I heard that I didn't know people said about me and it was related to, once again, my story and it kind of hurt my feelings because I was thinking, dang man, nobody really knows what I went through and I let, of course, I let people think what they want, because it's nobody's business to know what I'm going through or why certain things happened to me the way they did and I don't know anybody in explanation. But I do feel like I can help someone and that is the whole reason why I started this podcast. So it is my turn to roll out the red carpet and share my story with you guys. I'm going to try not to put too much detail in there because it is a very lengthy story and you know I don't want to go into those details. It's not necessary to get to the point.
Tyra Valeriano :But I never wanted to be a police officer when I was young that wasn't my dream. My goal was to be a forensic scientist and I got married at 18 years old. I had graduated a year early from high school and I got married to my I guess you can call him my high school sweetheart. We broke up when I was in my junior senior year, I guess, because I missed a whole year of school to get a scholarship to go to college. So we broke up my senior year because he joined the Navy. He was a few years older than me and during my senior year we just were on and off.
Tyra Valeriano :Once I graduated I moved to San Diego so I could go to college on my scholarship and things didn't work out the way I anticipated out there because I was 17 years old at that time. So California's laws are different than Texas, which we all know, and so I wasn't really considered an adult over there and it kind of put limitations on what I could and couldn't do while I was there. Me and my ex at that time got back together. We decided we wanted to get married. Ex at that time got back together. We decided we wanted to get married and I lived a military wife life and we had two kids out of that marriage. The marriage went south very quickly. There was a lot of wrongdoing on both sides and we ended up getting divorced.
Tyra Valeriano :So when I got divorced I was a single mom with really no job experience. I had nothing to my name, no money, no nothing, and I needed to get my ass in gear. So I applied for a job as a correctional officer in Sierra Blanca, texas, and it was about an hour and 20 minutes away from where I lived. So I had to leave my kids with my parents while I went to work. The drive alone was already far. I had to wake up like at three in the morning to start getting ready for work. To make it to work on time by six. I worked 12 hour shifts and I worked three days on, three days off. So that was a huge adjustment for me because I was not working and that schedule was pretty rough on me. I was rough on my kids and I only made $9 an hour Like that is wild to think about now. But I wasn't making it financially. And I actually had a really close friend from middle school and we weren't close at that time, but she became a huge staple in my life and kind of guided me to where I am at today. I mean, she's a huge reason why I went through the academy in law enforcement and even applied at the prison. She worked there and she suggested hey, we're hiring, so you can apply over here. So that's kind of what got my foot in the door.
Tyra Valeriano :After a year of working there, I went ahead and I applied for an agency in New Mexico because I had a friend at the prison who said they were hiring over there and it was about a three-hour drive from El Paso, texas. I applied for El Paso PD and I also applied for Las Cruces PD. I went through the hiring processes for all three, but the last one was El Paso PD where I was doing the circuit that they had for the physical fitness standard or tests that they had, and when I jumped the six foot wall on their test, I actually landed on my foot wrong. They had a mat right there on the other side and I landed on my foot wrong and I tore ligaments in my right ankle and my ankle swelled up like a balloon within 1.5 seconds. I mean it was unreal. Once I had twisted my ankle, I was out and I couldn't continue with the process with them. Well, I had already finished the other two, but I needed to do the written exam for Las Cruces and the agency in New Mexico had already completed everything. So I was able to continue with New Mexico and, to top it off, they had the highest paying salary or hourly out of all three agencies.
Tyra Valeriano :I had a conversation with my parents. I told them hey, you know what, if I decide to take this job, will you guys watch the kids while I file in the court to have the geographic restriction lifted so I can legally take the kids across the border to New Mexico? So nobody gets confused I'm not talking about Mexico, I'm talking about New Mexico and that way you know, I won't be doing anything that's going to violate my court order. Of course I wanted to do things the right way. I did mention it to my ex-husband. I thought things were going to be okay, but after 30 days which you have 30 days until the injunction is finalized the 29th day he decided to file to fight for custody of my kids so that I could not take them to New Mexico. So that kind of put a dent in the plan of, you know, being a police officer. The whole idea for me wasn't so much that I've always wanted to be a cop, but it was the ideal role to be a role model for my kids. It was the ideal role to be a provider for my kids and to provide stability for them. I told my ex and my family that I would bring them, you know, on all the weekends that I had off so that they could maintain that relationship. And my ex I guess he didn't believe me at that time, and understandably, when you don't have the best kind of divorce, I feel like there are maybe feelings there that are going to be at odds with each other.
Tyra Valeriano :That custody battle lasted for two and a half years. I had decided to stay in the agency that I had got hired in because I had already moved over there and I had used everything that I had and I knew if I moved back to El Paso I wasn't going to have a job and I was going to be right back at square one. So I decided to stay there and tough it out and for two and a half years I went to go see my kids on every single day off. It didn't matter if I worked 14 hours on night shift. I went right after work, I drove the two and a half three hours to El Paso to go see my kids and I was there every single day off for two and a half years. Once we got to the court date to finally get this battle over with, I had already a house for the kids their room. Of course they had visited me on holidays, so they had already been there.
Tyra Valeriano :Everything seemed set in stone and I was told by the judge that I had one week to move back to El Paso to resume the primary resident or primary custodial parent sorry of my kids, or they were going to go with their dad and I would be paying child support. You know insurance, and the roles would be very different. Now, in a perfect world I would have happily got up and left and moved back to be with my kids, but in a realistic world that just wasn't possible. I wouldn't have had any way to support my kids. I had nowhere to go.
Tyra Valeriano :During the time that my kids were going through this custody battle, my parents divorced, so that home that I used to have as a home my whole entire life was no longer there. It wasn't available for me and the situation was very, very different. So I had to make the decision that I could not go back and I was going to fight again, and by this time I was already in a relationship with who is now my husband. He was a huge supporter for me during this time and this is actually where my I guess you can say, my mental health was at risk. You know it's yeah, it may not be job related at first, but I was really intentional about this job being the job that was going to get us out of the rut. I wanted to be the single mom who did it for her kids, and my kids could be proud of me and know that I did everything I could for them. It didn't turn out that way and it wasn't what I expected. In short, I decided to go ahead and get an attorney and fight again. Odds were against me At that time, my ex worked at the courthouse where the judge decided this final ruling and I felt like I was at a disadvantage.
Tyra Valeriano :I tried to change the courthouse. I tried to change the judges several times and I was denied every single time. And, of course, I felt some type of way. I felt that, you know, it's because he works at the courthouse. This is why there's no reason why my kids can't come with me. There's no reason why the geographic restriction can't be lifted. I've done nothing wrong, you know. I just couldn't come to terms with why this happened and I wasn't going to give up my fight because I knew that everything I did was by the book and I did right, by my kids, and I wasn't going to allow this to defeat me.
Tyra Valeriano :However, being a mother and being a parent and I think that any parent can relate to this I spiraled. I was a mess. I felt like there was no reason for me to live. I was in a really, really dark spot and I guess I still get emotional about it because I don't talk about it. The only person that was there for me was my husband, and obviously we were not married back then, but he stepped into a stepdad role and never questioned me. He had no kids, never been married, and never questioned me. He had no kids, never been married, and he just was like the savior, you know, like the person who came in and said you know what, don't worry, I will help you financially. You know, pay for a lawyer, like, we'll do this together.
Tyra Valeriano :I was actually required to pay child support at that time, because that's what the judge said If you don't move back, then this is what you're going to have to do. And when I had to pay child support, well, obviously I made decent money, because that's the whole reason why I took the job where I did. I couldn't afford to go back and forth to El Paso to see my kids on all my days off anymore. I also had visitation, you know, every other weekend, versus what I had when I was the custodial parent. I had a really hard time with that and you know I don't share this information with anybody. Maybe my dad knew and of course my husband knew. I told my sister some bits and pieces of it, but for the most part I was a mess, went into my work and I dove into work. I had a baby.
Tyra Valeriano :You know I had to learn how to go through pregnancy in law enforcement, which my agency wasn't really really prepared for that I guess I'm sure they've had many officers in the past who have had children while working for them, but they didn't really have a policy on it. They didn't really have anything that I could go off of. So they worked with me and they made it very easy for me to go to work, have a stress mostly stress-free job. During my pregnancy we had a real-time crime center that we had just opened at the agency and I was lucky enough to be placed in there during my pregnancy and also a few months after my son was born. I have nothing negative to say about my agency. Negative to say about my agency. They helped me so much during that time. They really were empathetic to my situation If I had court or if I needed to go see my kids for something. They worked with my schedule. They did great and it was a huge benefit of working for a smaller agency.
Tyra Valeriano :Once I had my son, we were still going through the court process. So you know, over a year had already passed by and I realized that I couldn't do it anymore. It was costing a lot of money. By that time, I want to say we had already paid the attorney over $20,000 and she hadn't done a damn thing for me or my kids or the situation. I had seen her five times, six times. We went to a few court dates and nothing had changed. Nothing was going anywhere and I felt betrayed. Of course, an attorney is working for money and I'm I don't know. I felt like she wasn't working for me. She was working for the money that I was giving her and saying this is what we're doing for you and she did nothing.
Tyra Valeriano :So I had to make the decision to leave and I told my then now husband I got to go back, I have to move back to El Paso. I can't do this anymore and I'm sorry, but I've got to be there for my kids because this is going nowhere. We're losing money. I can't afford to go and see them. We're using all of our money for an attorney that isn't doing anything. So I got to go. So from one day to the next I told my job I have to go. I didn't even really give them a two weeks notice because I just felt the urgency that I needed to leave.
Tyra Valeriano :Of course, there's a little bit of a backstory for me and my husband. We were going through some rough times and I just felt defeated, like there's no point for me to stay here and yes, you're helping me, but I need to go. So I left with my son. I broke our family apart because I needed to situate the things with my kids. I got a job as a police officer in another nearby agency in New Mexico, so the travel time was about 40 minutes to and from work and I tried to be there for my kids. My husband came to see us in El Paso every weekend and we did this for one whole year before I told my ex I can't do this. I have a family. I've moved on with my life. My kids are old enough to decide if they want to live with me or not. We don't need to be fighting in court. We need to be adults and co-parent and decide if they want to move with me or not. So we asked the kids and my middle son said yes, he wanted to live with me. And my oldest son told me that he didn't want to leave his dad by himself. He felt bad and that he didn't want to leave if it was going to be both of them. So he decided to stay with his dad. So my middle son moved with us and I moved back to New Mexico and I got my job back at the same agency, felt like finally, things are at least working out. I at least got one of my kids here and I feel happy.
Tyra Valeriano :Three years of that went by and my son lived with me and this is kind of where the job takes its role in my life. As far as you know how it reflected my personal life, it affected my personal life a lot. You know. I started to see the imbalance that I had. I was stressed out, I was tired, I was overworked. I, you know, had my own problems at work. Just everything was kind of compiling onto each other and when I would go home I wouldn't be the greatest person to be around. I wasn't happy, I was tired, I wanted to sleep and even though I tried to make time for my family on my days off, there were times where I just had no desire to do anything with any of them. I just wanted to be home and be in bed and be left alone.
Tyra Valeriano :With that comes, you know, the things that we see during our shifts, the trauma, all these things. I can't say that there was a specific call that I ever went to that really impacted me, aside from one which I will talk about. But for the most part, if I had a really rough day where there was just call to call, to call, and they were just all hot calls that we were responding to all night, all day long, I would be pretty grumpy by the time I got home and I just I wasn't a pleasure to be around. So it started to affect my home life and I would say that my middle son felt like gosh mom, you're always in a bad mood and he's not the easiest kid to deal with, to be fair, the middle child or the second child. They call it the middle child syndrome and I can say that I may have suffered from that myself. I was not the middle child, but I was a second child and I can relate to that. So I feel like it's fair for me to say that, just because I was that myself. You know he did have a difficult side to him and he always has had that, but I felt like I was the parent that could deal with him in a better way, because I felt like I understood him more.
Tyra Valeriano :When 2020 hit, we know COVID came around and for the job, I would say that it was not so bad. I don't know how it was for any of you who worked during COVID, but for us we weren't allowed to serve warrants, we weren't allowed to make traffic stops, we weren't allowed to do a lot of things. There was pretty much like a waiver for everyone, unless it was severe enough that we needed to make contact with the public or with the driver or with someone. Domestics were definitely a response, but there was a lot of calls that we normally would respond to that we didn't respond to because of COVID.
Tyra Valeriano :Covid really took its toll on my son that decided to live with us. He started acting out. You know, there was just some things that he was going through and when we would go visit El Paso and he would go with his dad, he would come back with us and be like, oh, it was so fun with my dad, I want to go with my dad. Well, um, he would come back with us and be like, oh, it was so fun with my dad, I want to go with my dad. Well, we had rules at our house. You know like you have to be in bed at this time, you have to have your location on on your phone. You know if you mess up at school or you lie, or you know just parent rules. We had rules in our home, um, chores in our home, and he just didn't pull through. He didn't pull his weight. So, of course, he would go to dad's house and dad's house was always fun. You know. He got to do fun things. He got to do all the things that he didn't do all the time when he was with us, because that's just the way it is when you have a divorced household.
Tyra Valeriano :I could be wrong, because I didn't have that experience as a kid. I had my parents together all the way up until I was 25 years old, and so I don't know what it's like to be in a household where the parents do not get along or where the parents are divorced. So this was new to me too. But I did know from my friends and you know relatives that had been in divorced homes that this is usually what happens there's a fun parent and then there's the not so fun parent. And well, I had turned into the not so fun parent. Well, when I kept telling my son no, that he couldn't live with his dad, that didn't sit well with him, and even though I had an open dialogue with my ex at that time, he was just kind of like, what do you want me to do about it? Right, you know, he told my son, you can't move over here just because you think it's fun. You know we had rules over here to kind of enforce the same thing that we did.
Tyra Valeriano :But my son ended up acting out and he said that he was suicidal at one point. And of course cop mom kicks in. And I take it seriously because during COVID I had seen a lot of kids commit suicide in my jurisdiction and there was one that was pretty national. You know what had happened to this kid and I didn't want that to be my kid. You know. I knew that this was serious. I knew that a lot of us didn't know how to approach or deal with COVID, with our kids, and so I took him to the hospital so that he could get seen. I did the steps that I would do with anyone else, because I'm not going to cut corners just because he's my son. I want to make sure that if there is an issue, that it gets addressed and that he gets the help that he needs.
Tyra Valeriano :Well, it turns out that they felt he needed to be admitted and he was transported three to four hours away from me. It was very, very difficult for me. I once again fell down that spiral because my why, my why, was my kids. My why of why was I in law enforcement, was my kids. And now my kid is with me and he's going through this and I felt like a failure. So he left, he went to the hospital and after he was there for a while, the doctors would come back and say you know, he says he wants to live with his dad. The answer stayed no. Without getting into too much detail.
Tyra Valeriano :He continued this, you know, continued. I want to be with my dad and we wanted him to get help. That's what we wanted. It wasn't about who are you going to live with when you get help. That's what we wanted. It wasn't about who are you going to live with when you get out. It's about whatever it is that you discussed with the counselor that she felt you needed to get help. This is what we're trying to help, and that's just not where this was going. So eventually, you know, it turned out to be that the doctors were like hey, we don't think that he needs to be here anymore. We're not getting anywhere with the ideas that we had on helping him. There's definitely not that going on, which was a relief to hear. But when it came down to he might be getting out, he was going to come back home with me, and that's not what he wanted. He wanted to live with his dad, and the answer was still no. Wanted he wanted to live with his dad and the answer was still no.
Tyra Valeriano :So after a certain amount of time, he started telling doctors some fabricated things about my husband and I. It was so severe for me and my husband that I felt like I was going to lose my job because it was just that bad and I was at a disbelief that he would say the things that he said about us and I just could not believe it. It tore my trust apart that I have between me and my son and I felt betrayed in the worst way possible. I don't know that there's any parent that could relate to me in this way. The things he accused us of potentially could have risked my job. It could have risked our relationship with our youngest son. It was just very devastating. And when I had gotten this news from the doctor, the doctor told me that they knew that it wasn't true, based on the path that he had been on for several months, and they knew that he really wanted to live with his dad and that this has never been something that they had heard before from him. It came up and because it came up, they still had to report it, but they wanted to let me know.
Tyra Valeriano :So this is kind of where another spiral comes in, because now, once again, I am just fighting the current on what is going on with me being able to have my kids. What is so wrong about me wanting to have my kids. Why is the universe making this so difficult for me? To have a life with my kids? This is all I want and it's just not. And I don't know if any of you are religious or if you have any beliefs. I have never been a religious person, I will just be upfront with that. But I have perspectives and I've kind of decided my own path. The way I word this is just going to be in a way to follow the belief or path that I have followed since this has happened to me.
Tyra Valeriano :But I feel like the universe does things to you to teach you a lesson and if you do not learn that lesson, it will continue to get worse and worse and worse until you learn that lesson. And when you learn that lesson, you have to learn how to walk away. And I know that there's probably a lot of parents who may not agree with this perspective, especially when it comes to your kids. But I literally felt like the universe was telling me it is not your lesson right now. Till you're not getting it, you're still fighting. You're still fighting to get you know, get your kids to live with you.
Tyra Valeriano :But I kind of felt like maybe they're not supposed to live with me, because if they were, it wouldn't be this difficult. It wouldn't be what I'm going through now. Like this is terrible. This is, I feel like my life is just coming apart and this isn't what I thought it was going to be. So, in short, I ended up telling my ex he's going to have to live with you because at this point I can't trust him. And to have that trust broken between you and your child and to have that kind of betrayal is very hard to describe. It's very hard to describe because when you do nothing but everything for your children, regardless of what anybody may think or say or believe, when you know in your heart that this is what you did, and you get that betrayal from your child, it's hard. It's really, really hard.
Tyra Valeriano :And I didn't know how to deal with it. I just I don't know how to respond to this. I don't know how to respond to what my son did, what he said, what he's doing, like, how do I respond to this? So, naturally, I blocked that out of my life and I told my ex until he apologizes, I don't know that I can fix this. I don't know if I can talk to him. We were required to go to counseling. On the phone, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it because I was so angry and I wanted an apology and I just wasn't getting that. My son ended up moving with his dad.
Tyra Valeriano :I had a really, really hard time with that and I was also dealing with a case and this is the case I had mentioned earlier. There was a mass shooting in our jurisdiction, the first one I had ever been to. I felt like the families really felt like it was my fault and right now the case is still in litigation. So I don't really talk too much about the details and one day I will, because I feel like maybe that's part of my healing journey when it comes to law enforcement. But that case, for me, really affected me. Responsibility that the families felt I was responsible for versus you know, we have a person who is actually responsible for this and we're blaming the officer or officers that responded to the call. I do understand.
Tyra Valeriano :It took me a long time to put myself in their position, to understand what they felt and where they were coming from, and I can't say that I understand 100%, but I do understand the perspective of where they're coming from. Do I agree? No, I don't, because I knew my job, I knew the laws, I knew the limitations, I knew the policies, I knew the scope of what I could and couldn't do. It was one of those things where my body camera circulated the internet like wildfire. I can say that my body camera sounded like complete shit. I can say that I think that my body camera makes the situation look terrible. The body camera circulated the internet and, of course, the public and the families all had their stab at me. They had their perspectives of me. I saw it on the internet.
Tyra Valeriano :It was very difficult to work through that and I was working through these issues. As I was going through this with my son, I reached a breaking point again. I felt like I had no reason to live, Like I felt that if people could see me in that light and they really thought that I was responsible for this situation, I felt like how am I going to be able to defend myself? Because that's not what I did and what they said I didn't do. It's because I couldn't do and I'm not allowed to say what I want to say because, of course, we're cops and we are not allowed to go out and speak on open cases, especially one like this.
Tyra Valeriano :I had to stay in silence and it was really difficult to work through. I started getting threats from the internet. I had to shut down my social media accounts. I had to really just be very vigilant because I knew the jurisdiction that I worked in. I knew that families of the deceased were very upset with me. They made flyers. They went on the Facebook page of the agency, printed out a picture of me from the internet and they made flyers and they posted them around my city and they put on the paper something along the lines of would you want this cop to? You know, she doesn't need to be a cop. Pretty much. She's responsible for the death of three people and, you know, several injured from a mass shooting that she could have prevented, you know. So they put that out there and I had to literally walk around town and take calls and be able to act like these things didn't bother me and I was afraid for my son, who was my you know, my smallest son, because he walked to school.
Tyra Valeriano :We lived right across the street from the school. He walked to school every day. We would walk him to school, he would walk home from school and I felt like if somebody is that upset with me because they lost their child, you know, you never know what people are capable of. We're in this job and we've seen the worst of the worst and we know that people are capable of. We're in this job and we've seen the worst of the worst, and we know that people are capable of anything. Even the goodest people are capable of anything, and I just feared for my family. I feared for my husband, I feared for my son, and it was a lot to deal with and especially now the litigation is not over.
Tyra Valeriano :There's been a lot that has happened over the years with this case, but I now know that I'm not responsible for that, regardless of what my body camera looks like and I do like to talk about this because I feel like there's a lot of officers out there who have experienced this where their body cameras circulate the internet and they have, you know, to deal with the consequences of what everybody else sees or says and there's nothing they can do about it I will say that my body camera. I want to go back to that. It sounded bad, okay. So I went to a loud party call and I went there with the intention of breaking the party up and taking someone to jail. That's what I went to the call for. I said you know what? No, I'm going to. I'm going to see that there's something that I can do, while my body camera you only have one lens that looks one way, okay, so you can't see what's going on around me. I do have a backing officer there, but I am making comments along the lines of me wanting to find something because I know that it's there.
Tyra Valeriano :But, once again, there is a law and there is a scope and I cannot work outside the law. I cannot work outside the scope and for people who don't know the law or the scope or the policies, they won't know that, even though what I'm saying might sound like yes, she's right, why is she not doing anything? It's because I can't. There's not enough for me to do something, and I think this is why it played so hard for me, day in and day out, on me not being able to speak my side on why I said what I said.
Tyra Valeriano :But this is why because I wanted to break up that party, I did. I wanted to be a cop and do my job and go in there and be like, no, we can't, y'all need to go home or whatever. And I just couldn't. I couldn't Back to my son Once he decided to move with his dad. I tried to work through these issues. I was still working on, you know, dealing with the families and the public on behalf of that specific call. My husband saw how hard it was for me.
Tyra Valeriano :I had already gotten promoted, which, by the way, that was probably a huge moment in my career. I was super excited that I had got promoted. I felt like I had worked my ass off to get promoted. I wanted that position, I went for it, I did everything that I needed to do and I got it.
Tyra Valeriano :And you know, once I got promoted, we go into the side of where law enforcement became an issue for me, because I started to experience what it was like to be a female in law enforcement. And there were many times in my career where I felt like it's because I'm a female. But when you entertain that idea, then you can make it seem like that's why, and I don't want to be the victim, you know. So when you have that mentality and think that, oh well, this is happening to me because I'm a female, then that's. You know that victim mentality isn't going to get you anywhere.
Tyra Valeriano :So throughout my career, even though I had experiences that I know were probably related to that, it didn't actually really come to light until I got promoted and I had gotten the promotion out of, I want to say, like eight or nine people that had put in for the promotion. I got the first pick. I was proud, I was so excited, I felt like I was very deserving. But not everybody felt that way and I had somebody on my shift who felt like that was not what I deserved and the only reason why I got promoted was because I was a female and he was very vocal about it. You know, he let everybody know that that's why I got promoted and he made it kind of difficult for me. The communication was very hard, even though I tried.
Tyra Valeriano :You're going to face these difficulties in your career, whether you're a male or a female, because you could be a male and people are going to be like, oh it's because you're on the buddy buddy system and maybe you are, you know. But regardless of what the reason is, I knew that I deserved it and regardless of what anybody else thought, I wasn't going to let that stop me from being successful, because I needed to dive into something to distract me from everything that I was going through. I felt like I was okay diving into work and tackling this role as a sergeant. I wanted to be the best that I could be and that's exactly what I felt like I was. I'm sure there were a handful of people who didn't like me. I know actually for a fact that there was a handful of people that didn't like me and I was okay with that. I was okay with that because I knew why I wanted to be a supervisor. I knew that I wanted to be the best supervisor I could be and I wasn't perfect. Now that you get the idea, I was heading first to my job.
Tyra Valeriano :So what did that do? It affected my family life. We don't have balance. We don't have, you know. We're back on the scale where work is taking up all of my time and I'm going home depleted and I'm not giving my family shit. So my son, my littlest son, the one that I have the privilege to get to experience his childhood with is slowly going away for me, because I am once again doing the same thing, except I'm not divorced and I'm not having to fight for custody over my son. I have my son here with me and I'm not taking advantage of it. Instead, I'm taking advantage of my job and I'm giving my job my all.
Tyra Valeriano :When I started to realize, like holy shit, this is taking its toll on my family, I don't have my kids here anymore, my kids aren't going to be with me. I understand this. My oldest son isn't going to move with me. He's already, you know, 16 years old. Like he's not going to want to uproot his life and come and live with me. At this point, my middle son, we are in this really bad, you know, section of our life. This chapter of our life is not very good. We're not talking. There is a lot of problems that need to be resolved. And my why? Here's my why. This is why I left law enforcement. I left law enforcement because my why was no longer my why. My why to be in law enforcement for my kids was no longer my why. My kids were not with me. I had to accept that my kids were not going to be with me and this was the hardest thing to accept.
Tyra Valeriano :And when my husband, we had made plans for us to move abroad so that I could retire. My retirement plan was to get my master's degree so that I could teach college online, do my own business and move abroad. This was our plans for several years, so we had already prepared for it. I had already gotten my master's degree. I was already teaching at the academy. I was already trying to gain my experience so that when I retired I would be fully prepared to take on this new role and to move abroad.
Tyra Valeriano :By the time my kids were 18 years old, except for my little one. We wanted to take on this new role and to move abroad by the time my kids were 18 years old, except for my little one. We wanted to take him with us abroad. My husband was like, hey, you know what, maybe we should go ahead and move now. And it took me a second to really think about it because it was only going to be a couple months until I got a raise to I don't know like $43 an hour, which maybe for other people out there that's not a lot, but for me that was a lot. That was a huge raise from where I was at and I had to make the decision am I going to walk away from the money and from the job, or am I going to choose my family? I slept on it, I woke up and I was like there is no sleeping on it. I'm going to choose my family. If my, if we're able to make this work and we can do these plans that we made, let's do it. So that's exactly what I did. We, within two months, we made the decision, took on the plans that we made for retirement and we just happened to make that work earlier than we anticipated.
Tyra Valeriano :This is where my healing journey comes in, because during the past two and a half years that I've been out of law enforcement, I haven't had any stress okay, no stress and I have had to deal with having stress and I've talked about this in other podcasts with my guests that having to fight the I say the nervous system it can be cortisol having to fight what you have known for the past 10 plus years is very difficult and you don't realize it until you don't have to do it and you have to rewire your brain. This is why I took on a passion for the podcast, for law enforcement coaching and for creating this course that I am making for mental health and wellness for first responders is because all of these things that I learned and of course this is a long podcast, I'm sure telling my story is long and I've never told it before but all of these things that I experienced, I realized that I blamed the call. That's what I blamed. I said, oh, I got out because of that, but I didn't. It just contributed to the real reason why I got out.
Tyra Valeriano :And the reason goes back to what is your why and my why was my kids?
Tyra Valeriano :And I didn't have that. I felt like I didn't have that anymore. I was able to really sit back and take accountability, take responsibility for my life, for my actions, for what I did, what I didn't do, what I could have done better, and to rekindle the relationships with my kids and with my son and take advantage of the fact that I didn't have to miss out on my son's childhood anymore. I could be here for all of the things that I missed out with my older kids trying to be this role model. I don't have to do that. I don't have to do that anymore. I have to be here for my son. I have to be here for my husband. I want to have a successful family, a successful marriage, and I don't want to jeopardize that. So now here we are and I have these businesses that I'm working on, that I'm, you know, doing, and I'm living out this goal or dream that I had prepared for us when I retired.
Tyra Valeriano :And what it really comes down to is that I didn't have resources or knowledge about these things that I would face in law enforcement, and it's not law enforcement's fault. Okay, that's not what I'm saying, but what I'm saying is that if I would have known the truth about getting in and you know, we know that you're going to respond to calls that nobody else will ever see in their lifetime we know that you're going to see things that nobody else will really see unless they're a police officer or a fire or EMT. I know all these things. I know that I'm going to work long hours, but I didn't know that I wasn't going to know how to balance my life. I didn't know that I wasn't going to be sleeping good and that it was going to affect the way I treated my family. I didn't know that I was going to experience difficulties on the home life and, instead of working on my home life, I was going to dive into work, because that's the easiest way out. I also didn't know that the issues or difficulties that I did face in law enforcement, the public eye and becoming a supervisor and having to deal with the issues that I've already explained to you that they would affect me in a way that was going to be reflected to my family.
Tyra Valeriano :And there's also a police officer when I was a sergeant. There's a couple of police officers that came to me, you know, as their supervisor, when they needed help. You know there was something going on. I would always check in on my officers. I did quarterly what I call quarterly evals and, even though it wasn't something that everybody did, I made my own quarterly eval paper and part of that was to ask how are you doing? That was the question how are you doing? It doesn't matter if you're not doing okay at home or at work, I don't care if it's work specific, I just want to know how are you doing? And you would be surprised how that question caught so many officers off guard.
Tyra Valeriano :There were a couple officers that did open up to me, and one in particular. He ended up losing his job, you know, for some issues that he was having. He was mentally struggling. He had a lot of things going on in his life and I had no resources. I had nothing to give him besides the EAP program, and I've talked about this in other podcasts. So when I thought about my experience and actually being in a supervisor position and not really knowing what to do to help this officer find a resource or find something other than the EAP program because I feel like there could have been other avenues or other ways for this officer to seek help I didn't have that and I didn't know much about it either, because you don't go to training for these things. You don't know anything about it unless your agency puts you through that. All of these things combined, I mean obviously there's a ton of other stuff, but I want to just kind of compact it to give you an idea of why this is so important to me.
Tyra Valeriano :I know that there's a lot of people out there that are probably at my old agency or people that know me from work or you know sister agencies that are probably like she's dumb, I can't believe she's doing this, it's stupid, and you know they have their remarks. But I don't care, I don't care. I feel like if there is one person that can hear a story on this podcast and be like, holy shit, that's me or holy shit, I can relate to that, then that's what I want for them. I want them to know that they are not alone and that they can be heard, and that it doesn't all have to be something that you saw at a call. It doesn't have to be a traumatic scene. It doesn't have to be a you know homicide that you responded to. It doesn't have to be any of that, because mine was from my home life, being affected by the job that I dove into. It can be for any profession and I do realize that this can happen to anybody in any profession.
Tyra Valeriano :But I am focused on first responders because they're so important and I don't care if you stand on first responder side or not. There are so many great officers out there that I know that deserve to be able to have resources and to deal with their home life, their work life and find some kind of balance to the best of their ability and have the tools that they need to do that, so that they can continue to be successful police officers and do what they do, and I think it's important. So here's my story. I'm sorry it's so long and for those of you who stuck to hear my story, thank you For the guests that kind of brought it out during our conversations. Thank you, this is a very vulnerable moment for me.
Tyra Valeriano :Just to set the record straight, I do have a relationship with my kids. It's not, of course, the relationship that I envisioned in my head as a mother, but I know that there are a lot of fathers out there who can relate to me because I'm in a position that most moms are not and I feel like I'm more relatable to the men and there are more men we know in law enforcement and first responder roles that go through divorce and they don't get custody of their kids and a lot of it may revolve around mental health. You know that's highly a tool used in divorce court. Oh well, he's not mentally well and you know this is I don't want my kid around this and I mean, they're not wrong because we do struggle. But this is what I'm doing.
Tyra Valeriano :I'm trying to make a small dent, whether it's one person or 10,000 people that will be affected in a positive way. That is all that matters to me, if that one person or the 10,000 people can say, hey, I think this is a great idea and you want to share your story or you want you know the resources to be available to you, then it resonates and that's all that matters. There's a dent, there's a change that needs to be made, and it's because we all have something. A change that needs to be made, and it's because we all have something. Everybody has their own story. So, with that being said, I want to thank you again for joining me for this bonus episode and listening to my story.
Tyra Valeriano :I hope that you get something out of it If you resonate with it. If you don't, I hope you understand my message and if there is anything that I can do for you, you know how to contact me. You guys can get me on Instagram. You guys can message me on my website. You guys can also find me on LinkedIn. I'm available on various and multiple social media accounts. If you just want to have a conversation and not be on the podcast, I'm 110% okay with that. I have the time and this is why I'm doing it. So if you need me, feel free to reach out to me. Until then, I hope you guys stay safe and I will see you on the next one. Thank you for joining me on Chapter Blue. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to follow and tag me on social media and share with your friends and fellow officers. If you're interested in joining an episode, I'd love for you to be a part of the conversation. Until next time, stay safe, take care of yourself and remember you're never alone in this journey.