Chapter Blue
Tyra Valeriano, host of Chapter Blue, comes with 11 years of law enforcement experience and talks about mental health, self-care, work-life balance and more. Through honest conversations and personal experience, Chapter Blue allows for officers worldwide to share their stories, struggles, and successes both on and off duty and to give the public an insight to what the media has made into such a controversial profession. The podcast will establish the connection to the important topics and struggles in law enforcement and open up to all first responder roles in the new year to address how interchangeable the roles relate to the struggle. Join the conversation, because it’s long overdue!
Chapter Blue
We're Back: Solo Episode with T. Val
A lot can change in seven months. We’re back without theme music and a some thoughts behind my message. I share why I paused the show, what I’ve learned about mindset and accountability, and how intuition and a belief system can be of importance to anyone.
I talk about the lawsuit that stemmed from the night a loud party became a mass-casualty scene and what it felt like to be first on scene. Making those decisions in real time and the aftermath that came with it; the public backlash, flyers with my face around town, and years of second-guessing. After internal reviews and a long legal process, the lawsuit tied to that incident was dismissed with prejudice. Relief arrived, but so did the reality that the families still don’t have justice..
Beyond the case, we talk about peaks and valleys after leaving the badge, how the job can hollow out empathy if you let it, and what it takes to rebuild. I share why I chose to focus my energy on two things that feel true: this podcast and Fit For Shift, a first responder-only fitness app my husband and I built to support health and performance on real schedules. If you’ve felt swallowed by the work, this conversation offers practical footing and a way forward.
Subscribe, share with someone who needs it, and leave a review to help others find the show. Want to be a guest or bring Fit For Shift to your agency? Check out the links below!
Fit For Shift Website: www.fitforshift.com
Instagram Handles: @chapter_blue @fitforshift @xo_t.val
Agency contact for Fit For Shift: Contact@fitforshift.com
Linktree: https://linktr.ee/tval_official
Let us know what you loved about this episode!
Fit For Shift is a first responder focused wellness app for health, fitness, and community. Sign up now for a 3-day free trial. First responder credentials are required to join.
Wow, it has been a while since I have updated you guys in chapter blue. And it has actually been about, I don't know, seven months maybe since my last episode has been aired. Uh there has been a lot going on, and there are some changes that I want to make to the podcast. Um, I took some time off for many, many reasons, and I feel that I'm ready to be the voice that I decided for this podcast when I created it over a year ago. Uh, Chapter Blue's birthday did pass on November 21st. And I will say that it is thank you to all of the listeners and the guests that kept Chapter Blue active even while I was gone. I had a lot of downloads, I had a lot of messages, a lot of outreach, especially from law enforcement, that found several different episodes relatable to themselves or their agencies or even their personal life. So those messages over the past several months have been a huge factor in why I am making this uh new episode and kind of reintroducing chapter blue. I no longer think I'm going to have an intro music introduction to my podcast. I think I'm gonna remove that so we can just get straight to the point each time. And I just want to really update you guys on what's been going on in my life, hopefully, so that you can find it relatable. Obviously, not everything is going to be law enforcement related, but we are human and every first responder is going to have issues or things they are battling or overcoming or dealing with in their personal life that isn't related to work, but we know that work can enhance those things. And if that is something that you're going through, then hopefully this episode will help you have some clarity or maybe give you some new ideas on how to approach what it is that you're going through. I do want to use my voice for good. I like I said, I had a lot of messages from my listeners reaching out, people that I don't know, people that I do know that really enjoy my podcast. And I can't say that I'm surprised or not surprised. I think what it is is that those messages have really helped in building me up to actually start again. And there are things that I have come to terms with in my journey that I found important to share, and this is where we're at. So today is actually going to be a solo episode, and I've only done a solo episode one time before where I shared my story. I want to say that was in episode five. I've had a lot of downloads from that. I know my business is out there, but I also had a lot of people who found it very relatable, and that really is the message that I want to give to those who might be struggling through something similar. And though it was really hard to talk about some of the things that I did in that episode, there is gonna be some follow-up from that episode in today's podcast. So um yeah, this is probably gonna be the longest episode that I've also recorded. So be ready. First, uh, I've had some revelations and it came from visiting America. So many of you guys know that I left law enforcement in May of 2022, and I took on this adventure of my retirement. My retirement was actually planned for retirement. I had no intentions of leaving law enforcement or my career earlier than anticipated, but life happens and things happen, and this was probably the area of my life that I had the hardest time accepting. But once I did, you know, this is where a lot of things came to light for me. And I'm still going through, you know, detachment and struggling with identity and all of these things. I I want to say that it's more of a roller coaster than anything. And I thought by now, because I've hit a lot of peaks, um, if if we can just call it that, I've hit a lot of peaks during the time that I've been out of law enforcement where I felt like, oh yeah, you know, I'm I feel like I'm done, I'm in a good place, um, I would never go back. And it's not to say that I've changed my mind, but there are those valleys that I still hit from time to time where I do think about my career and I think about the reason why I went in. And then it goes into really searching deep as to what was the reasoning for my career. What did I get out of it? Um, the whole reason why I got in, everybody knows, was because I got divorced. I needed to make more money. It was a career, it was reputable and respectable at that time. I wanted to be a role model for my kids. I also wanted to be a supporter financially for my kids. I mean, all of the things that I wanted out of this career came from a very good place. And I had no idea what I was going to experience during that time, just like most people don't. And it's not all negative and it's not all positive. Everybody has their own journey, they will have their own perception of their time in law enforcement or their first responder career. Um, but ultimately I have been going through these peaks and valleys over these past few years. And this summer, uh, I did go back to America for several months. Two months the first time, and then just a little less than a month the second time. And I knew that I was going to be facing all of the things that I left behind. And I didn't run away from those things. It was more like I needed to find me and really put into perspective what I was doing with my life. Who was I? What was I if I wasn't a police officer, if I wasn't a cop, if I wasn't in law enforcement, is the blue line really my family? Are they gonna be there when I'm not there? Are they gonna stick around? You know, are they gonna be somebody that I can call on when I'm having those hard times? And these are all things or revelations, if you will, uh, that I have come to terms with. And I'm now in a part of my life where I have learned to accept things that are out of my control and mindset. Mindset is huge. And I do want to talk a little bit about that on today's podcast. Um, but I just really hope that you guys can find some relation to what we're gonna talk about today. It's a lot of closing and opening of chapters and accepting that roller coaster of peaks and valleys, finding new things of interest, getting out of my comfort zone, why it's so important for each of you to do that, and what do you get out of it? Um, long term, I really just want to harp on this. So when you get out of law enforcement, we can just speak for any first responder field. But for the purpose of chapter blue, let's focus on law enforcement. Um, you know, when we get out of it, I have done a lot of conversations, had a lot of conversations with so many people, so many people. And I mean people that are just phenomenal. I've I've talked to people who have had 30, 40 plus years in law enforcement, people who worked for the FBI, people who worked for Secret Service, people who have done uh really great things in the criminal justice field. I mean, my podcast has connected me to so many people, and I am forever grateful because the insight that they have is definitely insight that I don't have because I was not in the field as long as they were, but it doesn't mean that I don't have insight that is valuable. And I want to make that clear to those of you who may not have, you know, 20, 30 years in the job or the career, and you feel like you don't have value. That is absolutely far or the furthest you can get from the truth. Anyone who gets in this career, uh, your service is invaluable, especially in today's day and age. You know, we look at what law enforcement is facing today, and it's definitely a lot different than when I started, and it's changed a lot. So it goes back to the question that I get asked a lot is would you ever go back? And my answer is always, I wouldn't go back unless I had to, um, or if I had to. And I actually addressed this answer on LinkedIn not too long ago, and I got a really great response from a lot of people. And it really made me think, why do I say that? You know, why is it really because I hate the job or I hated, you know, whatever. But no, it really is just because I've had enough time out to reconnect the dots on who I am, what I lost, what we give up. And we tend to focus on the negative things when we want to feel validated in why we stepped away and we forget about the positive things. But then when we're away for a while, we tend to forget about the negative things that we experienced and only focus on the positive. And so I think this is where these peaks and valleys come in because we're struggling with trying to determine whether us getting out was really something that we needed to do or wanted to do, or did we just do it because, you know, we thought at that moment it was what was best. And we just probably have a lot of questions. I think that all of us have gone through this based on the conversations that I've had over the past couple of years. Um, it makes me really just think about that answer. And I had to put some thought into why I say that. Well, I want to harp on my own reality and situation when it comes to this, and that is, I didn't get into law enforcement because it was my dream. I didn't get into law enforcement because I wanted to be a cop and make a difference in the world. I didn't get into law enforcement because I had that type of um, you know, encouragement or I was following a role model. In fact, speaking of role models, I don't even have a role model. I have never really had a role model. And even till this day, I don't really have a role model that I look up to and say, oh, I want, you know, I aspire to be that way. I've kind of just traveled my own path, and my path is very different, especially when it comes to my personal life in terms of being a mother, um, you know, my career choice, the ladder that I climbed, um, my progress in life. It's just very different than probably most people. So I tend not to really have a role model. But when I go back to, you know, that whole idea of why did I get in and what does law enforcement mean to me, I just had the intention of being that person for my kids. I wanted to be the mom that showed them they are capable of anything and that their mom is willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that they're taken care of, um, that I had a reputable and responsible career, that, you know, I was willing to save lives, save their life, make sure they knew that I was strong enough to have their back despite life and death situations. It was almost like proving a point to my kids who were at that time just like three and six years old, you know, like little kids. And uh I wanted to be that for them. But as my journey went on, and as you guys already know from my previous uh solo episode, that's just not how it play it played out for me. And even though I went in with the best of intentions, the career kind of crept in and took little pieces of me slowly. And I had to learn how to understand why perceptions and the way people saw me. Um it didn't really matter, but I had to understand it in order to be okay and be at peace with my decisions and the outcomes in my life. And I actually didn't reach that until here recently. So really, this just goes into the mindset and to accountability, to being able to accept things that are out of your control. And these are things that we don't tend to do in law enforcement. This may not be relatable to everybody. So I just want to make sure that you guys are aware that I'm not speaking for anyone other than myself. Um, but if you find that you can relate to what I'm saying, then the message is important for you. I have come to terms now that I'm not in law enforcement, that I did not know how to accept what was out of my control. I wanted to be in control of things that I knew that I couldn't. Um I knew that no matter how hard I fought for something, it wasn't going to change the outcome, even though I wanted it to. It did it didn't matter, you know, what I said or how hard I tried to prove that intentions were pure and that, you know, what others may be saying about this career choice or what my intentions were in doing it, it didn't matter. It was out of my control. But regardless, I stayed in that career for over 10 years. And now that I look back and see what it's taken from me, it really put into perspective a lot, you know. Um, I'm not trying to hound on the negativity of law enforcement, but let's be real. I I want to have this real conversation about the effects that we have. And it is important to talk about because, you know, we're dealing with suicides and people who are quitting and having a hard time building their life outside of this career and trying to find meaning and purpose and not knowing how to do that. I mean, this is a very common thing that I see across the field. And you have to remember that I have I've spoken to hundreds of people about law enforcement and their experience and their careers and their struggles and all of this, that I have just made my own conclusion, not to say that it's right or wrong. It's just like I said, it's gonna be my own experience and my thoughts. But really, we do not know how to let go of things that are not in our control. And it takes a lot from us. So we give so much to the career. I think most of us do that. We tend to want to be involved in everything, we don't want to miss out. We want to be the best at the job, we want to uh, you know, promote in our career. We want to be better than everyone else. We want to prove ourselves, we want to show what we're capable of. You know, I can get this many drugs off the street doing this search warrant, watch me work and look at what I can do. And, you know, just all these things that we get so tied up in and we forget that we have a life outside of this job. So we take all the overtime, we say it's because we need the extra money, you know, we're trying to save for a house, we're going on this vacation, we're doing Christmas, whatever the case may be. Um, but in turn of doing all those things for these reasons, we get tied up in little areas of our life that we don't realize that we're giving to the job and we're letting go of our personal life. And we disconnect from things that really matter, including our identity, and it becomes who we are because we're just trying to be so good at what we do because we love it. Uh, we want to be better, we want to get more experience, we want to be able to do this job and show that we are worthy and that we are making a difference. But, you know, we we lose track of what the meaning really is. And is it really that? You know, we go in, some of us say in our interview process, you know, when they ask us, why do you want to be a police officer? I bet you I can count a thousand times, a thousand times that they have heard, I want to make a difference, uh, I want to change lives, you know, I want to change the world. I'm sure that people who do these interviews have heard that a million times. And it's not to say that it's not true, because it it's probably true for some people, but maybe it's just the standard answer that some people might say because that's what they think law enforcement is. And in today's society, I'm gonna say that law enforcement is more reactive than proactive, and that has a lot to do with politics, society, just a lot of the pressures that surround law enforcement. So it really hinders what the job is and what it can do and what it's supposed to do. And now we're running into so many problems that it's a question to ask yourself is it really worth getting into this career, knowing that all of these issues are surrounding it. And even though we want to experience what law enforcement is supposed to be and what it is really meant to do, uh, that's just not the experience that most people are gonna get because it's out of their control. Once again, it's accepting that it's out of your control, and no matter how hard you work your ass off to try to prove that you can do this job and what you're doing is making a difference, it is out of your control what the end result is going to be. And that goes to what is the end result, right? So let's put it in perspective to law enforcement terms. You know, you're going out there and there is, you know, I don't know, somebody who just murdered someone and you do the investigation and you find out who it is, you arrest them. And depending on the state that you're in, that person's out within three to five years, and now they're out committing more crimes. And now the crimes that they're committing is catch and release, and they're just committing crime after crime after crime, and the state is just not doing anything to help you out as a police officer. So in turn, it's frustrating the community. The community's mad at the cops, you know, we're not doing anything, we're not doing enough, you know. What why is this person out? This person has committed all these crimes, and you just get tied up in things that are really out of your control. And how does that make your efforts and your job enjoyable? It doesn't, it takes away from that, and it takes it takes away from you little by little by little, and you start to disconnect, you start to feel like uh you're not contributing, you're kind of getting frustrated, it's taking its toll on you, you're losing sleep because you work so much, you've dived into your job, you're still trying to prove that you can do what you're supposed to do, takes away from your family, and then maybe you run into this incident that it just hits you hard, right? You you experience a case or a call that you just can't get out of your head, and now you're one of the ones that are struggling sleeping, PTSD, not being able to focus. And it all comes back to the mindset that we have and accepting what is in our control and what is not. Uh, I don't say this, you know, to uh take away from those who need to seek help or they want other options, or if they need therapy. That is absolutely not what I'm saying because all of those things are very relevant to everybody. But my experience, I didn't need any of that. Um, I'm a pretty intellectual person. I like to Think about things in a rabbit hole. I like to really try to understand myself. And I didn't really have the ability to do that when I was a police officer. Um, I knew that I was good at my job. I enjoyed what I did. There were times that I didn't enjoy what I did, and I didn't realize how much it took away from me as a person until I got out and how much I struggled to get back on track. I'm gonna say I'm about 80% there. I feel like there's still a portion of me that I am struggling with and trying to accept the things that I have no control over. And it's not all related to the job, but the job has a huge factor into why I'm having such a hard time connecting with this part of me because I feel that I am not as sensitive as most people. I lack some empathy. And you would think that as a police officer, I need to have empathy, but I just really don't have empathy for a lot of things. Um, my understanding of why people do what they do. I have to really choose to look at that and say, let me understand why they're seeing it this way. And accept that not all people are going to think in depth about what they're saying or what they're doing or why they're acting the way they're acting or avoiding conversations that they don't want to have. Like these are all things that, you know, I've had to really work on. Um, but anyways, getting back to the point, these are long-term effects that I've had uh from the career. And I don't see them going away anytime soon. Uh, I do have peace now, you know, I have peace in my life. Um, I do think about the career a lot still. Uh sometimes I'm like, man, I want to go back because uh I feel like I can do it. It's more about proving it to myself that I can just get back in it and I'm good to go. But the reality is that's not that's not a good reason to get back in, especially now knowing everything that it did to me as a person, what it changed in me. I used to tell people that if I wouldn't have left when I did, I don't know that my relationship with my husband would have lasted. And it's not because of anything other than me. I just wasn't, like I said, empathetic. I didn't have any kind of emotion or consideration to the struggles or problems that we were having in our relationship because I was so focused on work and I didn't really care to hear it because I was already done with dealing with people and then to go home and have to deal with whatever things we needed to deal with at home. I just didn't want to deal with it. And if I were to have continued down that path, I can't imagine my husband wanting to deal with me for much longer, you know. And also, you know, I've talked about the suicide of a child who was 11 years old during COVID time. Um, he shot himself in a field, and I had an 11-year-old at home. And even though that case stuck with me, not in the sense of like, oh, I had PTSD and nightmares, it stuck with me because I went home. Well, actually, I I continued my day at work. Like, I didn't just see that, and then I went home and I realized I have an 11-year-old at home, and there's parents out there with a kid who's also 11 that they just lost, who, you know, did this and is probably going through something excruciating. And I have no idea what that's like, but I saw it, you know. I saw I saw it. And how can I come home and just, you know, get out of uniform, shower, and and go to bed? Like, what is wrong with me? That's why that case stuck with me. And these are all things that I think just make you disconnected with things around you. I'm not gonna say that it's not it's a terrible thing if you aren't married or you don't have a family and kids, but I do think it can be a terrible thing if you have a family and you're married with kids because it really does affect your home life. Um, for people who are single, I'm gonna say that it can still affect you because it's gonna be really hard to find a relationship that's willing to tolerate whatever it is that you are becoming. Um, nobody's gonna really want to deal with that. And then if they do, this is probably why there are so many domestics in law enforcement relationships, or you know, people cheat on people because they feel that their spouse doesn't understand them and they get divorced or whatever the case may be. I mean, there's just a lot of problems, but really, you know, we have to take accountability for ourselves and look at us and be like, well, what is it that I'm doing that's contributing to what's going on in my personal life? So yeah, these are just a lot of revelations that I've had. And, you know, what I got out of my career is that I made a lot of contributions to the community in little efforts that I made. Uh, I talked about in a post that I had made on LinkedIn. I posted it on my Instagram too, but uh there were many times where, you know, we do CPR on people, or you know, we're patching a gunshot wound or we're applying a tourniquet, we're doing all these things, and then they're off with medics and they go to the hospital and you know, investigators are assigned the case and they follow up. So the first responders, us as police officers, you know, when we first go to the scene, we usually don't hear much about the case after that unless we inquire about it. And I'm gonna say for the most part, I didn't inquire about cases that were then assigned to investigators because, you know, I'm dealing with more cases every single day. So um there's a lot of times where you forget that your contribution in that little time frame contributed to somebody's life being saved or a case being solved when it goes to court or being able to catch the suspect based on securing the crime scene and holding witnesses and arresting the suspect or the offender on scene, or you know, whatever the case may be. Like there's all these little things that we do that we forget contributed to some good that we don't give ourselves credit for. So those are some ideas or thoughts that I've had recently that make me feel like, okay, you know, my career was good. I I did a lot of good and I'm happy with the strides that I made in my career, even though my personal life didn't actually affect my personal life the way I wanted it to. I wanted it to be for my kids. I wanted my kids to feel inspired. I don't, I can't say that I wanted my kids to become cops when they grew up. Um, but after being in the career for a little bit, I think I would say I probably would have been really happy if they decided that they wanted to be a police officer growing up. Um, but they didn't get to spend that much time with me uh during my career, you know, personal stuff that happened and um cord and just things that are unrelated to the career happened and they didn't follow my footsteps, and that's okay. I mean, that's okay. But now that I realize what I went through, they they aren't gonna know that. And these little realizations are things that you have to do internally. You know, you have to sit with yourself and really question like, what can I do to be a better person? What do I need to do to change the way I am? Um, you know, what can I do to help those around me understand me better? Uh, you know, there's these things that you need to talk to yourself about that we don't do as cops because at some point we just don't care. Uh, we just think that the world revolves around us and everything we went through in the day and all the stress and all of the trauma and all of the things that we responded to. Uh, we just think that I just went through this and I don't want to deal with it. I just want to sit here and do nothing, or I just want to be left alone. You know, those reactions to our outside environment from the job is really what the problem is because we're choosing, probably unintentionally choosing to not deal with it. So if you can find any relation to that, you know, my word of advice is really to take the time to sit with yourself and dig deep into these questions or dig deep into these ideas that I'm talking about. Because for you as a person, if you start to ask yourself those questions and you're like, holy shit, like this sounds like me, you know, you have some inner work to do, and nobody can do that for you but you. I mean, you can go to a therapist and talk to them about it, and they can give you ideas on how you can work on it, but they're not going to be able to solve your problems. Like, you have to do it for yourself, and you have to do it because you want to do it, and it's got to be on you. So there's really nobody that you can blame. You can't blame the career. Yes, the career is a huge contributor to why we end up in these positions, but ultimately we are responsible for ourselves. And that's just kind of the conclusion that I have come up, come up with, I guess you can say. Um, so this summer, uh, I put my last episode that I posted, I didn't really give you guys an idea that I wouldn't be posting after that. I want to say thank you to all of the guests that I've had that I have not posted yet. Um, I know that it's probably an inconvenience for them. However, I do have to put my mental health and my family first when it comes to what's going on in my personal life. So I really just had to put a halt on any other things that I had going on, any kind of, you know, endeavors that I was pursuing and just focus on what it was that I was going to be dealing with when I went home. So, you know, I went home uh to watch my son graduate from high school. He also left to the Navy and graduated from boot camp. And now he's in the Navy and he's in A school. Um, I have my other son who's in a military school, he should be graduating in a few weeks from there. And so a lot of things happened. Um, I over the years have tried many, many times uh to bring my kids to where I'm at, to have them visit, to, you know, call, text, all these things. And the efforts just were not two-way. And eventually I've come to a position in my life where I had to face that I was angry. I was angry because after so many years of dealing with the same patterns, I had to go home and face it. Like I still showed up, you know, I still showed up. And regardless of how other people may look at that and say, no, she didn't show up. No, she didn't do this, she didn't do that. I knew I showed, I showed up, but it's not reciprocated, you know. Like if you're not going to accept how I'm showing up and this is not how you want me to show up, you have to communicate that, and there's just no communication. So I had already built up a lot of anger and resentment um for a lot of people back at home. And I knew that me going home was going to be hard. And I knew that I was going to have to face a lot of the things that I had built up inside of me. And um I was trying to mentally prepare for that. So when it came to the podcast, I actually I want to say maybe about 10 to 15 episodes I have not posted yet. Um, I had every intention of editing them while I was away, but you know, I like I said, I really had to prioritize what it was that I was going through. And um yeah, I faced a lot of things. Um, there was a lot of truth that I found out, and it kind of brings me to intuition and spirituality. I am not a religious person, I never have been. Um, it's not that I don't want to be, it's just not something I was ever brought up with. I wasn't brought up in religion, I was never instilled religious, you know, aspects of life. I never read the Bible, like I just wasn't raised that way. So, you know, being in law enforcement, um, you would think that I would search for spirituality and I didn't. I actually want to say that I have decided to open myself up to spirituality now more than ever, and it came because of intuition. And I know that sounds kind of crazy, but the reason why I'm bringing this up, despite how woo-woo it's gonna sound to some people, it's because this is my experience and it worked for me, and it's not gonna work for everybody, it's not gonna make anybody's mind change based on my experience, but ultimately it is the idea of being open to new ideas and considerations and just you know, being able to open your mind to new things. But anyways, I've always known I've had a pretty strong intuition, and I would say as a cop, most of us have it. You know, you stop that car on a traffic stop and your gut is screaming at you like, be safe, you know, watch their hands. Um, you just, you know, you you know if you're in law enforcement, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The the gut feeling that we get, it is your intuition, and it's not just a cop thing. I think that everybody has this, but when you are a police officer, it heightens that intuition and you tend to listen to it more because you don't want to die, you don't want to get hurt, you don't want anybody else to get hurt. So you tend to work off of that intuition, even though in legal terms they're gonna say, okay, well, intuition, you know, that's not something that you can go based off of. But by all means, I know that I have worked off of intuition many times, and I will say that it avoided a lot of catastrophe that could have probably happened. So, in short, um, I've always had a really good intuition, and um it made me want to explore that side of spirituality more, and that came to light whenever I went home because a lot of things came to light when I went home. A lot of truths were found out, were told, were explained. And all of these things that I found out were things that I already knew, but I couldn't prove. It's like I already knew these things, but I just couldn't explain how I knew. I couldn't explain why. If I wanted to, you know, decide to have a confrontation or I wanted to address a situation, and somebody were to be like, okay, well, I don't know what you're talking about. And even though I knew what I was talking about, like I couldn't prove it to them. So I just had to sit with these things over the years and just be like, maybe I'm crazy, like I'm just making this shit up in my head. And no, it actually showed that what I was feeling was spot on. I was right. And this to me is what made makes a good cop too, you know, like you have that intuition when you learn how to work with it, trust it, you know, when it's wrong or whatever the case may be, you you tend to want to know why do you have that? So I I don't want to bring up this conversation for the reason of bashing anybody, but this is actually a really crazy situation. And it sounds, I want to say that you guys are probably gonna be like, what the fuck? She sounds super crazy. Uh, but the reason why I'm bringing it up is because it it is part of the reason why I've decided to take a new path of spirituality and kind of study what it is that I want to believe in and what it is that I'm leaning towards because of my experiences. But I have something so crazy to tell you because this, I mean, obviously, my intuition has been something I've had forever. Um, back when I was going before my divorce, my first divorce that led me into law enforcement. I had a best friend. Uh, she was my maid of honor. She was there when my kids were born. Uh, she was a big, big vital piece of my life. I we had been friends since high school. And um we had a falling out uh when I was married, and I she used to live with me, she used to watch my kids. Um, I kicked her out of my house and told my husband at that time, you know, you're not gonna talk to her anymore. That is done. We are severing this connection. Well, that didn't happen. And a year later, I mean, there's little things that happened, you know, in the first few months after kicking her out, but a year later, we had already moved on with our lives. Um, I never thought about the girl. I she never crossed my mind. And one day my ex-husband went to work and he had a military address, uh, email address. So I can't access that, obviously. So I mean that's gonna come into play here in a minute. But he had a military email address, and I had this random thought pop into my head. Random. Okay, like I just had a baby, I just had my my son, I just had a baby. You would think the last thing on my mind would be any of this, but a random thought popped into my head when he had gone to work. You need to check your ex-best friend's email. And you would wonder, like, why would that pop into my head? I because I I question myself now, like, how in the hell did that come into like why did that even come into my head? But we were such good friends, and with as psychotic as it sounds, I mean, it is what it is. I I did, I went into her email, I knew all her passwords because we were good friends. Not that I knew it, like she gave it to me. I was just able to guess because I knew her that well. And what do you know? Like, I see my now ex-husband's uh military email all in her inbox. She had been all in his inbox, and they were very, very inappropriate with each other, just to say the least. So I don't really want to go into detail about the whole thing, but what I will say is that situation um tells me that I there's something bigger than us that is wanting to guide us on the path that we're supposed to be on, and something planted that idea in my head because there was no reason for that to even be a thought. Like there, I hadn't thought about the this person in a year. Um, I wasn't thinking about her, I wasn't dreaming about her, nothing. This thought just popped into my head and I acted on it and it put my life on a whole different trajectory. Now, if I wouldn't have paid mind to that thought, um, you know, who knows what my life would be like or where I would be at in my life. I don't know. Um, but what I'm trying to say is that it made me realize, like over the years and now having the time to see that I've had this intuition for a very long time. There is something bigger than us. Intuition to me is not ours. It is something bigger than us that guides us onto the path that we're supposed to be on. And now that I am making this podcast, I am telling you that I really just believe that it's always good to have a belief system, whether it is religious or not, spiritual, whatever it is that you want to believe in, it is always good to have a belief system because it is what it will help guide you uh onto the path that you're supposed to be on, regardless of what anybody else says, what anybody else thinks, it doesn't matter because there is something that you have um within you that you either listen to or you don't. And that's kind of where I'm at. So during this time that I've been out of law enforcement, I have been seeking out spirituality, I've been looking into it, trying to Figure out what it is that I believe in, what resonates with me, and what I've experienced in my life. And right now I am at the point where I know that there is something bigger than me. There is something that gives us thoughts and ideas that aren't our own. And it's supposed to be to help you be on the path that you're supposed to be on. And, you know, my transition from leaving law enforcement abruptly into a retirement plan. Um, I mean, I can't say that my life is always going to be this retirement plan because I don't know. I don't read the future. I can't tell you that I read the future. I don't know anything about the future. I just know that I went with the flow of the ideas that came in. I, you know, I acted on those things. And when you listen to those little voices in your head or those intuition gut feelings, they will lead you on a path I feel that you're supposed to be on. And just a quick other example. Um, and I know, like I said, I'm not trying to sound woo-woo woo crazy, but I just think it's so important, especially in law enforcement, for you to have something to believe in because um I didn't have that. And if I would have, I'm not saying that it would have been different for me, but I feel like it would have been a little less unpleasant because I would have known that I could believe in something or trust something to lead me in the right direction. Um, but you know, when I was pregnant with my middle son, um, I I couldn't get pregnant. I we tried, you know, for three months we tried and finally we gave up. And I don't know, after we gave up, I would say a few weeks after that, I had a dream. I had a dream so vivid. I woke up. I would, it would almost seem like real life. I woke up and I uh in my dream, I walked to the bathroom, I took a pregnancy test, waited 30 seconds, looked at it, I was pregnant. And when I actually woke up from that dream, I was like, holy shit, that felt so real. Well, like the dream was literally in my room, in my bathroom, everything. It was like, it was like I was living deja vu. So I was like, you know what? I'm gonna get up and do this test because I'm not gonna be worried about it just because of this dream. So I did exactly what I dreamt and I was pregnant. So I mean, I'm not saying that this is for everyone. I really am not trying to sound crazy. But when you start to really think about things that make sense, um, I mean, and I've had, I can't even count how many times I've had things like this happen to me over the years. Um, these are just two examples that are very extreme to me in memory that I wanted to share them because I wanted to give you guys an example of why I think it's so important to have some kind of belief system. Uh, because I haven't had a belief system my whole entire life. And it's not so that people can feel sorry for me, because that's not what I'm trying to say. What I'm saying is that you have to really just decide what it is that you want to believe in and look into it and be open-minded to different ideas, because I am very open-minded to a lot of things. I have learned about a lot of religions, I have experienced so many cultures. Um, I have questioned my own experiences and what it is that I want to believe in. And this is kind of where I'm at. And I think it's so important for first responders to have a belief system. So, uh, with that being said, that kind of closes out chapters for me. So, you know, uh, following up with what I was saying, I went through this over the past seven months. Um, I have been experiencing these ups and downs of, you know, do I miss my old life? You know, did I mess up? Uh, what did I do wrong? What why do I have this behavior from certain people? You know, is it my fault? And what am I gonna believe in? What am I choosing to believe in? Why do I believe in these things? What is my substance? What is my whatever? I have been going through all this these past seven months, and I just was not in a place to have a podcast. I just wasn't in a place to release my voice and other people's voices to my podcast to give you guys hopes and all these things. For me, I felt like it was being a fraud and I didn't want to be a fraud. I wanted to make sure that when I release the episodes of amazing episodes at that, these episodes are freaking phenomenal. Um, when I release them, I want to be, I want to be in tune with what it is that I'm releasing to you guys. Because if I release it, even though the conversations were great and I was in tune when we were talking, me releasing these, it opens me up to feedback and to getting information from people or you know, their experiences and how they relate to it and how genuine am I going to be by responding to them? Am I ready for that? And I wasn't. And what I want to use my podcast for is to be genuine and to make sure that I'm giving that feedback and and giving a message that I am aligned with and I feel like I'm ready for that. I feel like all these things, even though it may not fully be related to law enforcement specifically, these are things that we experience in life that you might be able to relate to. And I feel like it's important to share that message. I I it has been weighing heavy on my heart that I talk about these things because even though it sounds freaking crazy, even though some people are like, oh my God, I can't believe she's saying that, or um, that sounds crazy, or she, you know, she's psycho, whatever. That's not the point. The point is that I just felt like I needed to share it because maybe there's people out there who don't believe in anything and they're struggling in life. And, you know, when it comes to law enforcement, if we focus on that, there's been so many suicides in law enforcement, it is unbelievable. And every single day I feel like I wake up, I have an alert where I'm notified uh when there is a line of duty death. And I still keep up with that because I want to know what's going on. I'm not gonna just detach myself from the field 100%. I still care about people who work in this field, and I am, I've already made myself a voice for this field, and I'm not gonna deviate from that unless I feel like it's what's best for me. But I just needed to realign myself to what it is that I wanted to do in this field and this space. And now that I'm here, I feel like it's important for me to show that message. So if you need to believe in something, by all means believe in it, research it, look into it. Who cares what other people believe in? If it doesn't align with what it is that you're looking at, doesn't mean it doesn't mean you're wrong. It doesn't mean they're wrong, it doesn't mean anybody's right. It just means that that is what aligns with you, it is what you believe in. And if that is going to get you through the day, then by all means do it. Um, so now I want to talk about um law enforcement drama. I don't know if that's gonna resonate with any of y'all, but I have been seeing um, you know, where the area that I used to work in, and I'm sure this is a lot of areas, but obviously I keep in touch with some people that I used to work with, and not very many to to just touch on that. I don't keep in touch with very many, but um I noticed that there is a lot of freaking drama going on in that area that I used to work in. And I almost want to say that just what's being released, you can't always believe what you see, right? But what's being released is kind of embarrassing. Like it's embarrassing to see that you know there's officers and administration and all these things that are being accused of the things that they're being accused of. And for me, I always think, dang, if I was still working there, like how would this affect me? Or am I glad that I got out of there when I did because I don't want to be associated with that. I took a lot of pride in my job and what I did. And I, you know, it when you're in a leadership position, you I feel like you're not really a leader if you don't have people that dislike you. Um, it was never my goal to have people dislike me. And to be very honest, I never had anybody really come up to me but one person um that disliked me. And, you know, we had some heated arguments in administrative office uh to try and straighten that shit out. Um, but for the other people that kind of fell behind a veil, um, you know, I didn't realize that there was a dislike there until later on. And now that I'm seeing that all this shit is coming to light in the area that I used to work in, it's just kind of crazy, you know? And it makes me wonder like the agencies that y'all work at, you know, is there, is there a lot of, let's just call it what it is, corruption. Is there corruption? Is there things that are happening that you can honestly say, you know what? I feel like I'm working in my integrity. I feel like I take my job very serious. I feel like I take pride in my job, but you know, the things that happen that are outside of my control that contribute to the perception of my agency, it affects me because even though I'm not a part of that, I work for this agency and it makes me look bad, you know. So I'm interested in hearing some of your stories about that and how do you deal with that? You know, what are you doing to deviate from that negativity that you might be experiencing because of things happening in your agency, but it's unrelated to you. I really feel that there's a lot of people who can resonate with that. And um, you know, I I'm not having to deal with that. I feel like I was oblivious to negativity about me when I was working. I literally just trying to tone out um a lot of what was maybe said about me. I heard it, you know, I heard, oh yeah, she got promoted because she was a female, and you know, I heard it all. I mean, it is what it is, but I know what I'm worth. I know the effort that I put in. I know for me, I don't need that validation from the outside. So I was able to block out a lot of that noise, but not everybody can do that, and that's okay. And I'm just curious that what are you doing to help you get through those instances if you're working through that at your agency? I really do feel like there's people out there that might benefit from that conversation. So if you're interested in having that conversation, make sure you sign up with the podcast. Uh, you can select a date. I will be opening dates here after the new year uh so that you guys can enjoy your family time and there's no pressure to jump on a podcast. But starting in January, I will have an open schedule for new guests. And I welcome everybody. I've already had a guest that I spoke with a couple weeks ago, and I'm really looking forward to releasing his episode and everybody else's episode that I took from the beginning of the year. Um, there's some great conversations that we had, and I can't wait for you guys to hear them. Now, the main part of what I wanted to talk about today, which I haven't even addressed slightly, uh, so you probably wouldn't even have known why this podcast was important to me, other than the updates that I've already given you. I feel like I've just yapped on for a long time. I don't normally do this much talking, uh, but I mentioned a lawsuit that I was involved in in my solo episode, episode five, and I wasn't able really to give details. And I don't really talk about, I'm not a storyteller, right? So I don't really tell stories about what I've seen or what I've experienced. And I sometimes just consider how that could affect the families who ex you know, lost somebody. I I don't want to ever air my experience in hopes of shielding the people who actually experience the loss of a loved one, uh, the hurt or the image that they may see in their head when I'm describing what I went through. However, um, I have realized that my experience and my reality is solely mine. And this is where everything that I've already addressed comes into play. So when I talk about mindset, when I talk about spirituality, when I talk about um understanding people and being intellectual and taking the time to ask yourself these questions and understand why other people might be doing what they're doing and what's in your control, what's out of your control, all these things come into play when it comes to this lawsuit. And I have thought so much about this because I'm able to share uh the details about this case now. Um, last month, well, yeah, maybe it was in October. In October, I finally, after four and a half years, received the call and the documentation that the lawsuit that I was involved in was dismissed with prejudice. So um that was a huge relief for me. And people probably wonder, well, why was it such a huge relief? Well, because I had never been involved in a lawsuit in my entire career. And the lawsuit that I was involved in um was actually a very huge case. It was a big deal where I lived, and it was probably one of the biggest disasters. Um, and when I say disaster, I mean in terms of preparedness. We were not prepared for an event like this. And uh I feel like it stuck with me because, as you guys may recall, I discussed how families from this scene um they printed out some papers, posted them of me all over the city that I worked in, and were questioning the type of cop I was, insinuating that it was my fault. So I'm actually going to start from the beginning because I kind of want to give you guys insight of what I experienced. Um, when I share this story, please understand that this is my experience. Okay, this is what I saw, this is what I did. And I cannot comment or just go into any kind of detail on anybody else's experience of this case. This is just solely based off of what I remember and how I reacted, what I did, what my thought process was, and up until the final closure of this lawsuit. So pretty much uh we got a call. I was on night shift, we got a call that there was a loud party. And we get these calls all the time. I mean, this if you're a cop, I mean, this is probably a normal call for most of us. Loud party, uh, it was a weekend. So I had intentions of taking somebody to jail. I was ready. I was ready to start getting the night going. I was pumped. I wanted to, I wanted to get going. So when this call came out, I was thinking, okay, well, I don't know what I'm walking into, but maybe I'm gonna take somebody to jail. So the call initially had stated that there was a loud party, there was a lot of cars, it looked like there was underage people, there was drinking, and that was pretty much what I can remember at this point. So I I clear to go to the call, my friend clears to back, I show up, and sure enough, there's like hundreds of people there. And the neighborhood that it's in, it's not the greatest neighborhood when it comes to um crime rates that we have statistically, in reference to what we've responded to over there. So, statistically speaking, um, the area is not very good. So I get there, I see that there is a lot of people. The area that it's located in is actually kind of dark. It's at somebody's house in a neighborhood. Um, it's it actually is dark. It's not kind of dark. It is dark. They didn't have any street lights in that area, and there is a lot of people. So, anyways, I try to find out who's in charge of the party. Uh, he comes forward, he's under the influence. I can tell he is, he's been drinking. Um, he identifies himself. He's only 20. He's it's his birthday, it's his grandma's house, and he's having a party. So I get his information, my back is there. Um, and I'm making comments, okay, because my I'm looking at this situation like I'm gonna take somebody to jail. That's what I wanted to do because I knew that maybe there's something that I can take somebody to jail for. So I'm telling my backing partner, you know, hey, that person looks young, or hey, I he's drinking, make sure he doesn't leave in his car or whatever the case is. I can't remember the exact details. I just remember that I was looking for something. Now that might irritate some people because for them, they're probably like, okay, wow, why would she be doing that? Well, that's what I was doing as a cop, right? I was trying to be proactive of the situation and somewhat reactive because we got called there. But I didn't do anything. I didn't do any of that because I work within the scope of the law. So my body camera, I'm gonna be kind of going back and forth so that you can have an understanding of what went on. So my body camera from the situation actually got aired on Facebook. It's probably, I don't know, on YouTube and stuff. I don't know. I didn't look for it, but I did see it on Facebook when everything came to light. And I got a lot of hate and a lot of heat for it because my body camera didn't look very good because, like I said, I went with the intention of taking somebody to jail. And so when you look at my body camera, you can't really see much because a body camera is only you can only see to a certain degree in the lens, and you can see me interviewing the person of this party. And I'm making these comments, like, oh, they look young. Uh, hey, I think that person's about to take off and they're drinking. And you don't see me moving. Well, I can't move because I'm interviewing the person that is responsible for the party. I'm the actual primary officer of this call. So, you know, when you hear my body camera, you're like, well, why isn't she fucking doing anything? You know, like she should be doing something. And maybe if she would have done something, this would have been prevented. But that's just not the way it works. So in New Mexico, or I don't know, I'm not going to talk about anywhere else because I don't work, I didn't work anywhere else. I worked in New Mexico. In New Mexico, yes, uh, you might see um the person I was interviewing, he was 20. So obviously he's not of age to drink, but he didn't have alcohol in his hand. Um, he wasn't under the influence to the point where he couldn't answer my questions or he was stumbling. He was able to answer everything that I had to ask him. And even though I told him, I know you're under the influence, um, and I recognize that, it didn't mean that I had the authority to break up his party or to arrest him. Uh, and the reason being is because in New Mexico, that just because they have consumed alcohol doesn't mean that I can arrest them. That's just not the way the law works. So I have to work within the scope of the law, but not everybody, I understand, is going to be aware of how the law works. I understand that now. Back then, I didn't understand that because I was thinking they don't even know the job, they don't know, you know, what they're talking about. But now that I've put a lot into perspective, I just have to understand that not everybody understands the law. So I wasn't able to do anything. I made a comment on my body camera that person looks young. Well, in the original call to dispatch, uh, the RP, which is the reporting party, did mention, you know, that it looked like there were minors there. I can say somebody looks young, it doesn't give me the right to go ID them. And that is, you know, constitutional law. Like you can't just go over there and be like, oh, well, you look young and you're at a party where there's alcohol. I need to see your ID. That's just not how it works. So I wasn't able to do that. And it kind of hindered what I was able to do. But we do have a policy on how we respond to loud party calls and we do work within the scope of the law. So if we didn't See anything that we actually had substance to investigate, then we couldn't. Um, now we could have very easily walked towards the back of the house, but there was no lights. And my back actually made the call like, hey, I don't think that we should go back there. There was only two of us. It was a very busy night that night. Um, there wasn't officers available to back us if we needed to break up the party for any reason, but we didn't even have a reason to go back there. And let's say we went back there and you know, we upset people and there became a fight or something, it would be putting us and other people in danger. And you have to think about these things because let's just say that there were minors there or there were drunks there and they see the police and they don't want to deal with the police, so they start running and they get in their cars and they start driving off. This can cause a lot of accidents, this can result in death. I mean, there's so many things to consider. And, you know, you got to think about these things. You have to think weigh the options. So we did what we were supposed to do. We gave them a warning. I gave, I gave the person I spoke to a warning, and I told him if we come back a second time, our policy states that we will have to give you a citation the third time you go to jail. So, okay, we got the information, we made the warning, we left. Um, about 45 minutes later, I had pulled over a car. I can't remember the reason why I was on a traffic stop, and I just hear gunshots ring out from the direction of that party. I want to say that I wish I didn't have the gut feeling that I knew it was that party because it was a weekend. It could have come from another party. But there was just so many people there that I was just like, oh my God. So I tell the person that I'm talking to, you drive safe. Here's your stuff. I gotta go. I just started driving in that direction. I knew dispatch was gonna start releasing the call momentarily. I just drove in the direction. I wasn't driving to the party. I just drove in the direction where I heard the gunshots. And sure enough, calls start coming in. You know, uh, we have shots fired, you know, at this location, which the location was from the loud party. Now we have calls coming in from reckless drivers, people who are shot, people who are driving to the hospital and they're on this road, and all these calls are coming in. So I, you know, I start heading that way. Lights and siren to the area of the party. And from my experience, this is what I experience, you know. Um, and you have to remember that when you are dealing with a situation like this, time is time just feels irrelevant. It almost feels like it's just not applying to what you're experiencing. It almost feels like time is taking longer, it's not happening as fast as you think it is. Time slows down. And so I get to the party and I'm the first one on scene. I'm I stop my car in the middle of the street, close my door, everybody's running everywhere. I mean, hundreds of people are running and screaming. There's some people with blood all over them. I have people coming up to me, my friends are shot, my friends are shot. I'm the only one that I see. So I'm getting on the radio that I need medics. I don't know what I'm dealing with. I just hear all these different things. I need medics. Um, people are saying people are shot. Uh, you know, I don't have any information at this time. Then I had somebody come up to me and tell me, my friend is shot. Please help her. So they lay her down next to my unit, and I'm looking on her body, and I see that she has a gunshot wound uh to her abdomen. I can't remember, I think it was her back or her abdomen. Um, she wasn't bleeding, but she was shot. And so I'm sitting there with her. I'm still the only one on scene. And now it feels like, oh my God, I've been on scene by myself for like 10 minutes. Where is everybody at? Well, it hadn't been 10 minutes, but my perception of time had slowed so significantly that it just seemed like things were taking forever. So I'm getting on the radio and I'm telling them, like, I have a gunshot victim here. Um, give me a, you know, what we would call 55 is an ambulance. Give me a 55 to my location. Dispatch is telling me we we are trying to get you, you know, an ambulance to your location. Uh, the radio is going off that we have officers that are several roads down with cars, vehicles that they had to stop for reckless driving with gunshot victims from this party. Um, so you know, the scene has now spread out from the party, and it's just a very wide scene now. And so we didn't have enough medics uh to respond to all of these scenes that we now had from this one party. And, you know, I had uh I'm here trying to assess the girl who had been shot, and I'm asking for backing officers. Um, you know, I'm like, hey, I need more officers. Um there, I don't know if the shooter is still on scene. There is no active shooter at this time. Um, I don't hear any gunshots, uh, but I do have people telling me that there are um gunshot victims in the back of the house. I need more, I need more officers so that we can check the back of the house because I was only there by myself. Well, as the the scene continues, and from what I can remember, I just remember that more officers ended up coming on scene. For me, it felt like forever. It felt like forever for them to get there. But once an officer came on scene, I told them, please stay here with this victim. I need to go check the back. So they stayed with that victim. I saw some other officers, deputies that helped respond from the county, and we cleared the backyard. And I wasn't sure if there was a shooter back there or not because uh we don't know what happened. I mean, I just have people running up to me, you know, telling me what I'm hearing, but I can't go back there by myself because if I get shot or hurt, I'm gonna be of no use to the people who are injured. So as soon as the back came, we cleared the backyard. This is where we we saw an additional three victims, and those victims actually passed away. Um, there was, I want to say that there was four to seven injuries uh aside from the the three um individuals that passed away. And uh it was it was crazy. It was a crazy scene. It was something that you would see out of a movie. I mean, I don't even know how else to explain it. So another thing that happened on that scene is I got into an argument with my supervisor at that time because my I was upset that my supervisor wasn't on scene as fast as he should have been. I was arguing with him because I felt like he took forever. And when I had arrived on scene, I saw him. Uh, he had stopped a street over. And I don't know if he was contacting somebody from the party. I don't know what he was doing because I was going to the scene and I felt frustrated that he didn't come fast enough. You know, you you were over there, you didn't, you know, you saw that I came up here and I was asking for help. And I felt like I was just, you know, I was overwhelmed. I I had a lot going on. This was a very stressful situation that I had never experienced. Um, I had just responded to this house, you know, 45 minutes to an hour prior. So there was that stress that was on me. And I started to feel like, what if this was my fault? Um, because I had already came here and I'm going through all these emotions and I'm arguing with my supervisor. Well, detectives hadn't actually arrived on scene at this time because we're still trying to contain the scene. So I start moving witnesses and people from the party to a location in a parking lot to where we could keep an eye on them until investigators came. And my supervisor was moving them across the street. Well, I started to notice when he moved them across the street, they were leaving. So I told them to come back to the parking lot. And this is where the argument got heated because, you know, he's telling me, Why are you making these changes? I'm the supervisor, you know, I'm telling them to go over there and I'm arguing with him, telling him that they're leaving and, you know, investigators aren't unseen, that they don't have their information. And so we're getting into these arguments that are actually very irrelevant. But it just goes to show what a scene like this can do when you are under stress and you've never experienced something like this before. You, this isn't a kind of call that you train for, you know, you don't train, you don't train for the actual incident like this, like how to deal with that stress. You're dealing with how to clear the the scene, how to secure the scene, how to, you know, um treat the people, how to get medics on scene, just you know, evidence preservation. You're you're training for all these things, but the actual dealing with the stress, you you don't train for that. So my supervisor and I had a little argument. I want to say it lasted a good five minutes. I could be wrong on the time too, because you know, like I said, time was just out the door at that time. Um, and that's all on body camera. So, of course, that got released and it makes it look really bad on me. And I understand now, you know, when I look back at the whole situation, when you are not seeing what I'm seeing with my eyes, you're seeing what you're seeing from my body camera. Um, when you are also not aware of the situation in totality, um, when you don't have the other details that you need, and when you're not familiar with the law the way an officer should be, it can be very difficult to understand how this happened, right? So now that time has passed, I have sat with this case for a long time. I actually held so much guilt for several years, maybe not several, maybe a couple years. I had a lot of guilt over this case because there was a part of me that felt like maybe it was my fault. I ran through my body camera several times. There was an internal investigation that happened. Um, you know, I was questioned about what was my intention when I responded to the initial call. Um, why was I arguing with my supervisor? I mean, there was a lot of things, but ultimately I did what I was supposed to do. I followed the law, I did what I was supposed to do, despite how horrible the body camera sounded from an outsider. Even for me, if I didn't know what was going on and I heard another officer saying the things that they were on body camera, I'd be like, well, why the fuck are they not doing anything? But, you know, this is where my perspective and my experience comes in and what it was that was my reality to the situation, including my backing officer, because you know, he was there for a part of the situation that um no one else was. So now that you know we had secured the scene, I mean, that scene took a long time. Um after everything was done, reports were completed, internal investigation was over. I no longer followed up with that case. That case was given to investigators. Um, I just had to deal with the aftermath. I feel like this was probably one of the only calls that really stuck with me. I didn't have like nightmares or anything. It wasn't something that I was, you know, dreading every day at work or like that, you know, just it wasn't that type of call for me. What it was was the guilt that I felt because I would I ran myself through the case over and over and over. You know, did I mess up? Did I did I do something wrong? Is there something that I should have caught on to? Is there something I should have said? I reread policy, I reread the law. I mean, I literally dissected everything because I just I three people lost their lives. They were college students, you know. Um, young, young people lost their lives. And I just literally just struggled so much with this. Well, of course, um the parents of these uh individuals that lost their lives ended up filing a lawsuit. And of course, you know, that would be expected because this is a huge deal. I mean, it's a mass shooting, that's that's what it's considered is a mass shooting. And uh they filed the lawsuit. I was the main person, I was the main defendant on this lawsuit. And um, I was stressed because I had never been involved in a lawsuit. And the accusations that they made, um it took me a while to understand why they were using the references that they were using. And it turns out it's because it wasn't supported by law. When it comes down to the actual facts of the case, I did what I was supposed to do. Um, there was nothing I could have done to prevent it. There's so many other ways people can say, Well, you could have done this, you could have done that. And you can do that in any case. I literally mean any case, and police officers know this like the back of their hand. How many times is it that we are Monday night quarterbacking a response of police officers to a certain case and been like, Oh, I can't believe they did that. They should have done this, they should have done that. Well, there's a million ways to do things, and there are still several right ways. Are there better ways? Yeah, of course. There can be better ways. And those are the discussions that you have to have. Well, there was not anything else that we could have literally done. We did what we were supposed to do. And if there was a better way, I don't think we ever came to the conclusion that there was actually a better way when we responded to that initial call of allowing because everything that we were supposed to do, we did. So the lawsuit was filed. Um, not long after that, is when I started to experience uh, I want to say I called it harassment, but um it really affected my personal home life and it made me feel like my family was in danger. Uh the families were upset, you know, of course, rightfully so. They they lost a loved one. Um, I don't know who made the flyers, but there was flyers made with my picture from my agency's website. Uh, and they posted them all of me around town. And the flyer said something about, you know, she's responsible for a mass shooting. Would you want her in charge of something, you know, of an uh of your community? Do you want her working in your community? Something along those lines. I actually have a picture of one of the flyers on my phone. I just I haven't looked at it. For no reason, I don't need to look at it anyways, but um, yeah, there was those, you know, flyers made and it started to put some worry into my mind because we had take-home units. Uh, you know, when a family is upset about something that they feel a police officer or an agency did wrong, uh, you don't know what people could be capable of, you know. And I'm not saying that I would ever accuse these families of doing anything bad. I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is that working in law enforcement, you just don't know what people are capable of until it happens. And I was afraid for my son, I was afraid for my husband, I was afraid for my other son. I was, you know, I was afraid because I felt like if they lost a child and a loved one, what makes me think that they wouldn't want to take that away from me because they think it's my fault that this happened. And, you know, those thoughts crossed my mind. So um eventually I asked for my agency to do some patrolling around my house for several weeks. Um, and it was more for peace of mind. They knew what was going on. Uh, the lawsuit, of course, I had to file uh the flyers that were being pushed around uh Facebook. I had to deactivate it for a very long time because they were tagging me and I was getting a lot of messages. And I, you know, I had a take-home unit. Like I said, I had a take-home unit, everybody knew where the cops lived. Um, people could watch you go in and out, in and out, go to work, come home, you know, whatever. You know, and then when they learn your pattern, which I early on in my career, I learned not to have a pattern going home or you know, leaving to work or whatever. I've already learned that. But, you know, people want to watch that and they want to see like, what are you gonna do? Where are you gonna go? What are the times and all of this stuff? So, you know, I was afraid for my for my family. So this stress was just added on. This happened around 2021. Um, the shooting was in 2019, the case and all this extra stuff happened in 2021. And now the the case is closed. It just closed in October. And I kept up, I followed up with this case because it was, like I said, it was the only lawsuit that I was involved in. Um, and I was concerned for the family members. Uh, you know, an arrest was made. It was an arrest was made not long after the shooting. Uh, investigators arrested somebody, they arrested the guy that I interviewed at the party, so it was his party, right? Um, they arrested him. So, of course, in the lawsuit, this just gave the family substance. Like, hey, she interviewed this guy, she knew he was under the influence, he was only 20, she didn't do anything about it. And, you know, if she would have done something about it, then this would have never happened. But during the hearing, I mean, this this young man served three years in jail waiting for a court date. And a lot of it was postponed due to COVID and other factors. Um, but once he had his hearing, he was found not guilty on all of the charges. So he was released, and you know, he he didn't get charged with anything from that case. And like I said, I didn't follow up with the investigation or what they found or anything like that when it came to this case. I was just the first responder. You know, what happened then and there is pretty much all it was the internal investigation. Um, I participated in that where I needed to, and and that was that. And then, of course, when the lawsuit came about, um, that kind of came with its own investigation to make sure that, you know, they had all the information that they needed for the claims that were being made. So that was just my whole involvement. So whenever I decided to leave law enforcement, it had already been a year since, you know, the stuff had been plastered all over the city. Uh, time had already passed, but there were other things that had happened in my life during that time on my personal life, which I talked about in my other podcast, in my other episode. So all these things are happening in my life. And so once we decided, like, hey, let's take this early retirement. Um, I think it's what's best for your mental health, I think it's what's best for our family. I was not gonna say no. And that's why we left. Um, you know, there was just a bunch of factors that played behind the reason why the decision was made when it was made. And it was more so for the health of me. It was for the health of my family, for the safety of my family. And that's just a portion, obviously. But this is the the huge thing behind the lawsuit, right? So even after I left, um, it still was on my mind over the past few years. I didn't forget about it. I didn't forget about the victims, I didn't forget about the families. And even till this day, I don't forget about them because I understand, like I understand that this was one of the biggest things that had ever happened in my community and they lost their child, they lost their loved one. I I will never forget. Um, but once the case was dismissed with prejudice, uh, I felt so much relief because a part of me still worried, like, you know, you want to get out there and you want to tell them, listen, like, this is what I did, this is why I did it, this is what I had to do. But there's not that communication. And usually in a lawsuit, there will never be that communication unless it makes it to court. So at the end of it, um, I want to say that the most unfortunate reality of this whole incident is the fact that the families still do not have justice. You know, they are still probably suffering the loss of their child, their loved one, um, their college student, the, you know, person that they were waiting to see what they became in life. And there's no answers. There's no justice for them. Um, there's not somebody behind bars who's responsible for the death of their loved one. And I feel like that is the most unfortunate factor of this incident. But With that being said, I have done a lot of reflecting on this lawsuit and this case and how it affected me personally, how it affected my life, my thoughts, um, everything. It affected a lot of parts of me. And now I can tell you that I'm at peace because I know that I did what I was supposed to do. I know that it isn't my fault. I know that I, even if I did something wrong, um, I would be held accountable for that wrongdoing that I did, but it doesn't mean that I pulled the trigger. And that is who we should be looking for. The person that is responsible for the deaths of these people is ultimately the justice that these people need and they deserve. And I now just, you know, it's been a relief. Like I talk about this because if you've never been involved in a lawsuit, um, you know, lawsuits are very in severity. Okay. Uh, we know now that anybody can file a lawsuit for anything, literally anything. Like you, you say something that they don't like and they're gonna take it personally, and they are gonna try to justify why it meets the needs of what it is that they're trying to justify. We know you can sue for anything. Um, but this was, I mean, this is a big deal. This was a big deal. And um, it took a lot of effort for me to work through that. Uh, had a long I had a lot of long nights uh talking about this case with my husband, working through the details. I mean, I my partner, my my backing officer, um, you know, I probably talked about it till he was even blue in the face of talking to me about it. Um, but I had a lot of work to do in reference to that. And now that I'm able to talk about it, I can give you guys, you know, the substance of that. And I feel like I'm over the criticism. Um, I forgive myself for the way I sound on my body camera uh because I know what my intentions were behind the words that I said. I knew uh what I was intending to do. Like I obviously my intentions were not expecting this to happen. I mean, how could you predict that? You know, how can you predict that this is gonna happen? I didn't see any weapons, I didn't see any signs of this being something that could happen. Is it a possibility? Yes, of course it's a possibility, but you can't go based on assumption, right? That's just not how it works. And I, even if you could, I didn't assume at all that this was gonna happen. And, you know, I honestly I want the families to have justice. If there's anything that I could wish for them, it is that. Um, I apologize for anything that they've ever gone through when it comes to this lawsuit because I know that it hasn't been an easy path for them. Uh, but it does feel like I'm able to talk about it and and get it off my chest. You know, these are the I'm not a storyteller, so I'm I'm not sure if you can tell that I'm not a storyteller, but I'm not a storyteller. And this is just one of those things that, you know, when you have guests, when I have my guests on my podcast and they're talking about the things that they've been through and what they did to get through them, this is one of my one of my stories, one of my many stories, you know, and this is the one that I'm sharing because lawsuits are real. Incidents like this are real, they are happening more and more. They happen all over the United States. And people who lose their loved ones, you know, they feel like they're stuck and they might feel that way. I please don't take it that I'm speaking for anyone because I am just trying to put myself in their shoes and understand what they may be going through. Um, of course, I will never fully understand, but I want to be able to understand what the thought process would be behind what they would be doing. And it's very understandable that this is what they would do. You know, they want to have some something. They they need something to bring some kind of peace. And even that is probably never going to bring the peace that they're wanting. And it is just the unfortunate reality that we face in law enforcement. You know, these are things that we will struggle with maybe the rest of our life. I I don't know that this is a struggle, excuse me, a struggle that I have anymore. Um, but it is something that I feel like a relief that I can talk about. I feel good that I can talk about these things that I have been holding in about this case. And I really just wanted to share that with you guys because I have never really talked about it. I've given a very surface level description of the incidents that had occurred. And um, I didn't really give too much detail about what I did or what my thought process was out of respect for the the lawsuit that was still open and not wanting to, you know, put the family through anything. And of course, details are not necessary for this story, and I don't want to put families through that. So uh there's a lot of details missing out of what it is that I've shared with you, but it's enough to give you guys some substance as to how this can affect your life if you are in law enforcement or even a first responder. I mean, this can happen to anybody. So uh with that being said, this has been actually a pretty long podcast, one that I have never, I don't think I've ever posted one this long. Uh, but I wanted to say thank you to those listeners that have stuck with me in my absence, who continue to message me uh through my absence, and those who follow me on social media. Um, you guys have been awesome. I know I've responded to plenty of you, uh, not all of you. I do get a lot of messages on there, and sometimes I just don't have the time or the energy to give back to everyone. So please don't take offense. Uh, but I do want to say thank you to each and every one of you that continues to support the cause. Um, I do want to give you guys a little bit of an update on what it is that I'm doing with Shield of Duty. So if you guys remember, that was a business that I chose to pursue for first responder mental health and wellness. And since I have taken this seven-month break from this space, I have actually decided not to pursue that. And my personal reason is because um it has become very, very saturated. And I hate to say that, but I just can't find it in me to be a part of something that is very hard to identify what is authentic and what is not. To have to put so much energy into something that you're trying to help others with. It takes a lot for me as an individual to put into a business that I'm trying to help first responders in this area and first responders being hesitant or not wanting to show interest because it's just so saturated and they're wondering what is real, what is not, what is authentic, what is not. So uh my husband and I have actually decided to come together. You know, I don't know that I've ever told you guys about my husband, but he is a career bodybuilder. He's retired from bodybuilding now. Um, he's been in the fitness industry for 20 years, and he is a coach. He's been a coach for 15 plus years. Uh, he trains online. He hasn't trained in person in the past four years, but he trains online. And we came together to really discuss when it comes to wellness overall for first responders, how can we come together and put our minds and our specialties and our knowledge together to create something that is so important for first responders that's authentic, that isn't just a money grab, and that comes with receipts that we are here showing that we know what we're talking about and we can contribute to this space without oversaturating what it is that we're trying to convey. And we created a fitness app called Fit for Shift. It is only for first responders. Um, if you sign up, you can only sign up if you have a work ID and you have to submit that before you can be approved access to the app. Um, our main goal is to get it through to agencies. We have made it very, very cheap for agencies because our goal isn't about becoming rich, it's about contributing to the things that we love that mean something to us that have been in our lives that made a change in our life. For me, that would be law enforcement. Um, for him, that's fitness and putting back into what it is that gave to us. So uh and when I say gave to us, I just want to clarify that real quick. Um, law enforcement has brought me to the person I am today, and I want to give back to the people who are still contributing to that field, first responder, first responder world. Uh, so, anyways, we made a fit-for-shift app. Um, like I said, the goal is to get through to agencies. We want to make this a part of your wellness program at your agency. Uh, it has workouts that are specific to first responders. Uh, we take your entrance exams for law enforcement, firefighter academies, or anything like that. You submit that to us, we will turn it into a program to where people who need to pass yearly exams or um fitness standards, they can utilize the app to build them back up to where they need to be. It's really a great tool. Um, I wish more people would get on it. We have a 30-day free trial for officers who want to check it out. Um, we're currently making videos to try to explain how to use the app. We just added a fitness and meal generator, not a fitness generator, a meal generator. Um, so that way officers and first responders who can't really eat, you know, you're so busy. I know that there were so many shifts that I didn't eat. But what it does is if you need to go to a fast food restaurant, which I can't count how many times I had to do that too, um, it'll give you some healthier options and alternatives. And it'll also create a meal plan for you if you choose to do that. If you pick one day and you need two to three days of meals uh or ideas, it'll create that for you. There's a whole bunch of stuff that you can use it for. It gives you a grocery list, it gives you everything. The the recipes that you need to make whatever it is is on that plan. It's an awesome tool. And it is something that we created just about a month ago and added it to the app. Uh, we're not done adding to the app. Uh we we do everything with coding on our end. So it's not like we're going out and getting these ideas from other people. We actually have to create the things that we are adding to the app. So it does take work, it takes time, and we're constantly trying to add value to what it is that we're giving to you guys because it matters. Your health matters. And when it comes to mental health and wellness, when you think about the root, health is a huge part of that route. If you are not moving your body, if you're not eating healthy, if you are not resting or working out, you are doing yourself a disservice. And I mean that with everything because it's not about fitness and looking good and building muscle and competing. That is not what it is about and understanding why fitness should be a part of a wellness program. It is the root of what needs to be addressed to address other things. It can prevent so many things uh long term, you know. When you think about statistics, which I don't want to get too much into that, but when you think about statistics and what people are facing when they retire or why they're being medically released from the job, this is part of that route. It's not the main problem. It's not going to solve everything. It is something that is so important to the bigger picture, though. And so we just really want this app to be a part of an agency, their wellness program. Um, we want them to give it a try. We want them to see it for themselves. We want them to find the value in it. Really, the purpose is as an agency should be providing this to their first responders. Um, it doesn't mean that they are all going to use it, but if an agency is providing that to them and it has value, uh ultimately they're giving you the tools that you need to be successful. And if you guys are willing to try it out, you can go to www.fitforshift.com. Um, you can also message me on my Instagram or you can find me on Instagram under FitForShift. We have an Instagram page. Uh, there are several ways to contact me in reference to the app. I have a link where you can fill out the information so that you can try the 30-day trial. And of course, if you guys are interested in getting the app for your agency, we'll set up a Zoom call and we will see what we need to discuss to get you guys on board. So I wanted to let you guys know that. So the only things that I have going on now is chapter blue and fit for shift, shield of duty, law enforcement coaching, all of that I have decided to not pursue. And let me tell you, law enforcement coaching has been amazing. I I still love it. Um, if I have a client that wants to reach out and do that, I will never say no. It's just not something that I'm pushing out there anymore because it is a lot. It does take a lot for me. And I feel that my podcast and fit for shift are really the things that matter most to me when it comes to where my energy is going to go. And this is some hard adjustments that I had to make for me and for what I want to put out there. And those are the things that I decided to do. So I appreciate you guys tuning in. If you have lasted this long, you are freaking awesome. Thank you for all of your support. And if you want to be a guest, please sign up on the link. If you go to chapter blue, you should be able to find the Zoom link where you can sign up on my calendar. I will be opening slots up for after January. Um, if you have any questions, I am an open book. You can message me on social media. Uh, you can find me on LinkedIn, Instagram, uh, Facebook. Uh, there are plenty of ways to actually reach out to me, even on the podcast website. So thank you guys again. And I look forward to speaking to some of you guys in the near future. I hope you have a great Christmas, happy holidays, and I will see you guys on the next one.