Seven Seconds On Broadway with Elizabeth Ponte

Twenty-five rounds in seven seconds can change everything, even if you “look fine” afterward. We’re joined by retired detective Elizabeth Ponte, who shared her story for the first time publicly with Chapter Blue in March of 2025, and is our closing feature to Women's History Month in 2026. Nearly nine years in law enforcement, years spent in special victims and high-crime investigations, and the undercover ambush that left her shot in her trigger finger and forced to rebuild her life from the inside out.

We talk through what the public rarely hears about officer involved shootings and PTSD in law enforcement: the foggy memory, the body-camera moments at the hospital, the nightmares that make sleep feel unsafe, and the long recovery road of surgery, physical therapy, talk therapy, and EMDR. Elizabeth also gets honest about what happens after the initial crisis response, when check-ins fade, scheduling therapy becomes another stressor, and you’re still expected to carry cases, show up, and parent like nothing happened.

The conversation goes beyond trauma into identity and transition. Elizabeth describes retiring, feeling empty without the badge, and learning how to regulate her nervous system again so she can be present with her daughter. We dig into boundaries, first responder wellness practices that actually helped her, and why women in policing, especially moms, need stronger support systems and leadership that looks past the “check the box” approach.

If this resonates, share it with one officer or first responder who needs it, subscribe to Chapter Blue, and leave a review so more people can find these stories. 

Email: elizabethponte216@gmail.com

IG handle: @elizabethponte__

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Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I want to thank you guys for talking on to another episode. And today I want to welcome Elizabeth Wonta to the show. It is her first podcast. And just like many of my previous guests, I want to say thank you for choosing Papter Blue to tell your story and break the ice in the podcast with our first responders. I know it can sometimes feel nervey and very out of the quote unquote comfort zone that we've lived lived in working in law enforcement, where we don't really get the opportunity to talk about the things we really want to talk about. But it is a privilege to have you here today. So, Elizabeth, if you'll just jump right into it, let us know what your law enforcement experience is and what you're doing today.

From Patrol To Special Victims

SPEAKER_01 0:40

Okay. I'm already in the action.

SPEAKER_00 0:43

That's okay.

PTSD Grows And Retirement Begins

SPEAKER_01 0:45

Um so as far as law enforcement, I was a detective for uh approximately almost nine years. I served as a patrol officer, I guess it was six months. I wound up getting pregnant right away with my woodfriend at the time. Um, when I was pregnant, I went to the Detective Bureau and did administrative work. I also uh worked alongside of internal affairs for backgrounds, so I would coordinate um interviews and you know make sure everybody had all their people work together. Um I guess from doing a good job there, they actually offered me a position to return back uh to the Detective Bureau, Post Baby. Um there was a spot open in special victims unit, and they had offered it to me, and I took it. I went back right away. I think my daughter Liliana was probably almost three months old. I was very eager to go back to work. Um I didn't want the spot to be taken, so I returned quicker than what I should have had. Um I was in special victims for probably about a year. Then I was transferred to nighttime detective bureau doing general investigations. General investigations was kind of all the specialized units combined as one, except we didn't do um thorough investigations on shootings and um homicides. We would just go out, you know, take the basic information and then ask along. After that, I did that for probably about four months, and then I was offered a position to be transferred to the narcotics unit. In narcotics unit, I was there for probably about maybe six months. Um, that is where I was involved in a shooting on duty while working in undercover operation. I was out of work for probably about a year and a half. Um, I was doing PT and um 12 therapy and EMDR therapy. Upon returning to work, I then took the position to be a lead instructor at our police academy for a year. Um I wasn't really pleased with what I was doing. I felt like it was very redundant. Um it wasn't what I expected. So um my daughter's father had deployed that same year that I was in the police academy. So I had full custody of my daughter during his deployment. Um, and it was a lot, but I managed. And I then asked to go back to the Detective Bureau to do administrative work. Um there I was basically able to do my own or create my own schedule. So I did that. I don't remember how long that was that went on for. And then I was transferred back to special victims unit. While I was in the Administrative Detective Bureau, um, for whatever reason, they took away our special victims unit. So when it was implemented back, I was like, I will go in and do what's what's needed. I was there, I don't remember for how long. Um my PTSD, I can definitely say, grew worse and worse and worse and worse, and I wasn't taking care of myself mentally after seeing um I worked in an urban city, so crime rate was extremely high, and I had cases every single day, all day. So that took a toll on me mentally. I then finally had to retire, and since I've retired, um I've been taking this time to solely focus on my mind, body, and soul. Um, I am back in talk therapy and DR therapy. Um I do hot yoga, I've done breakay work, um, you know, daily affirmations. And since I've been out and been doing all these types of things, I've realized how much I wasn't really taking care of myself. I was a single mom throughout pretty much my entire career uh as a law enforcement officer, and that was extremely hard, but again, I managed. Um, I did forget this part while I was out of work for my shooting. I did return to school and finish my bachelor's degree. When I finished my bachelor's degree, I was like, me being the type A person I am, that's not good enough. I need to go get my master's. So I went and finished my master's. I graduated last May 2024. And it's kind of crazy how everything has come full circle because now that I have my master's and now that I'm officially retired, I'm now implementing um and advocating for mental health for law enforcement. As we spoke about earlier, um, I just feel like a female specifically, there's not many resources, you know, as and this can go in so many different ways, whether it's uh being a mom in law enforcement, uh somebody who's been in a critical incident as a female and still had to be a mom. I mean, we can go so many different ways in this. So I am recently being coached by um a woman named Megan McCarthy, who has experienced many, many, many similar um things that I have, even stemming back from my childhood. So um, yeah, now I am trying to get in. Well, I am actually hired as an adjunct professor with Farley Dickinson University. I haven't um taught my first place. It's actually gonna be in April of this year. Um, so I'm a little nervous, but I feel like I have kept my mouth shut for so many years and haven't just eaten everything that I feel like this is my way of getting my power back.

SPEAKER_00 7:39

Wow, that is a lot that you have been through.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

Yes. And prior to law enforcement, I uh did hair. I'm a licensed cosmetologist. So I opened up my own LLC. Now that I'm back into doing hair, I was so used to always making sure everybody was happy before they left my chair. And I kind of carried that in with me to law enforcement. There's pros and cons to that. I'm sure we'll touch on that later. But now that I have found the meaning of boundaries, which I can't even believe it took me to 35 years old to know what a boundary is, it's good to give back. And I'm I'm I'm giving into somebody in a good way. I'm not over-getting myself. I do wedding parties for brides. So uh whether that's doing their hair or makeup, whatever service they need me for. And that's always so special because you're coming to their most like this is their dream, this is their day. You're there to land them up and make them everything they ever possibly wanted. And then when you're done with full product and they you show them the mirror and they're like, oh my god, I look so beautiful. Like that's such a that's such a moment for me, and I love that. So yeah, I have uh a bunch of moving parts going on with schools and teaching. I am actually um in the process of getting my substitute certification, but in the meantime, while I'm waiting for that, I do aid at um the schools in Camden City where I was a detective. Because when I was in special victims, it was just me being the natural nurturer mother that I am. I was always able to deal with the kids in such like a meaningful way. And they listen. So it's good to get back again with boundaries and you know, implementing that and not over giving myself into these kids or over-indulging in whatever it is. So I am happy to be back in that city in a different capacity and a different mindset and a different setting.

SPEAKER_00 9:58

Wow. Okay, so I have a lot of questions for you. I'm hoping I will remember them all. First, um, how long have you been retired now?

SPEAKER_01 10:09

So I'd retire January 1st of 2024. So a year and a 2024? Was it this year? I don't even remember. Is that bad?

SPEAKER_00 10:18

We're 2025 now, so a little over a year.

SPEAKER_01 10:22

You wouldn't know why, because I'm looking at where it says 324 at the bottom of my screen. I'm like, oh my god, what's the year? January 1st of 2024. Okay. January 1st of 2024 was my official retirement date.

SPEAKER_00 10:37

Okay. And I know you mentioned that you were involved in a shooting. Um, is that something that you're okay talking about?

SPEAKER_01 10:45

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 10:46

Okay, what uh year was that? What happened and um, you know, whatever it is that you would like to share with us?

The Night Of The Undercover Ambush

Hospital Chaos Surgery And Safety Fears

SPEAKER_01 10:54

Sure. So um it was August 7th of 2018. My partner and I were assigned with the FBI for um a wire to cap investigation. Um that day. So a lot of this is somewhat like very foggish towards me with like how I process things. So I might pause. So August 7, 2018, that day or that week, um, if I can recall correctly, our our schedules changed that week, hours wise. So I think I was scheduled to work that day, but I wound up picking up um an overtime detail. And because working overtime was like my thing to do. Being a single mom and the money that I was bringing in and able to provide and live the life that I wanted to live overtime was a must. Tuesday specifically was the day that my daughter was with her father. So those are Mondays and Tuesdays were my days to do whatever kind of work I wanted to do. That day, specifically, we got information or intel that there was a house out East Camden. We sector the um parts of Camden, uh North Camden, South Camden, and East Camden. The investigation that we were actively doing was in South Camden, and a house that we received intel on was out East Camden. So there were two target locations that we were trying to figure out how they were collaborative. Um so we got intel about a house out East Camden. We went out, conducted surveillance, didn't really see much, didn't want to like get made, as you would say. And we went, we got Chick-fil-A. I remember this like it was yesterday. We ate in the car, went back to work, and we never circled the target location enough to be made. However, that night that we circled the target location, our car was um misidentified for somebody else who they were having issues with, um drug-related, obviously. And from what I can remember, I remember somebody telling me it was somebody who on the other side was high up in the drug force who they were having issues with. So they must have misidentified who we were. However, at that time, none of that was even relevant. So it was probably about 8:15, 8.30 that night. We were approaching a red light. And again, I remember like it was yesterday. My partner had said to me, like, hey, like, do you what time do you want to head in? Do you want to do like 8:30, 9 o'clock? You know, this time we get in, we can clock out, do we're timesheets, whatever. I'm like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine, no problem. And Rihanna came along, and I was like, Oh my god, I love this song. And we were like listening to it, and he mumbled something, but I didn't hear what he mumbled. And next thing I heard was a gunshot, and it went right past my face and blew up the inside car radio. Now we weren't in police cars, we were in undercover cars, we were in an alley specifically, in patchback. So when it went past me, I don't know how it blew up the inside of the radio, I have no idea. That was like another huge boom. And like the rounds just kept going. So at first I thought it was coming from behind me, and I remember I ducked. I was like, I said to him, I was like, what the fuck was that? And then I realized what was happening. There was a shooting going on around me, and next thing I know, it started coming through my door and then through my windshield. Now the shooting lasted a whole seven seconds. Within seven seconds, there were 25 rounds, so everything was like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, like very quick. There, I believe there was an automatic gun involved. So I don't know. The shots were just insane. So I remember when I started coming through the windshield, I was like, holy shit, like they're shooting at me. And I remember trolling my gun, getting myself leveled, eye level with the dashboard. And when I was trying to pull my gun, pull the trigger on my gun, because I was the only person who was able to see the suspect. And I'm trying to fire at him. My gun's not firing. So I went down, saw what was wrong, saw my trigger finger was hit out of all spots. My trigger finger gets hit, and I go to transition to my left hand. And at that point, as I'm looking out the windshield, it's all cracked. Now, I say this to say that we were on Broadway. Broadway is a high um foot trafficking area for pedestrians. So I knew from my training, again, we're all doing this within seven seconds, that I can't endlessly shoot my gun out, right? Because like I don't want to kill any innocent bystanders. So I just stayed under the dashboard and I just waited. And I remember when I was sitting there looking at the floor, and I'm gonna get emotional. I just heard like all I could hear was Lily, Lily, Lily, Lily. Now, Liliana is my daughter's name, but I call her Lily, and I don't know why it was just like her name was just like playing in my head. And I'm like, um, I waited till all the gunshots stopped, and then my partner had jumped out of the car, which I had no idea of. And I think when I was able to like come back, I'm like, okay, now I'm in muscle memory mode where I have to slow things down because now I know I'm hit. I don't know where my partner is, I don't know where my radio is. I mean, the list continued. So my partner comes running back to the car. Somehow the car was still in drive, and I think we hit a pole or hit the curb, which is what stopped the vehicle. When it hit, he came back in. He was like, Are you hit? Are you hit? And I was like, Yeah, like I'm okay though. And um I remember seeing two gunshot wounds on both of his arms. And he was like, I literally thought you were dead. Like, I thought you were dead. Like everything came through your side of the windshield, I thought you were dead. He was like, which is why I responded so fast to the way I did. So I was able to find my radio. We jumped out of the car. I, you know, first date obviously comes to my mind. I see that there's nothing that I needed to apply to. Again, everything's moving quick. I'm talking slow, but this is the play of everything. And I remember he just like kept screaming, like, why are you so calm? Like, and I just remember saying, like, Devin, you need to calm down. We need to call this out over the radio. Now, in Camden City, um, there's a lot of officers. Um, and we have this thing called a shot spotter. So anytime there's a uh shooting within an immediate area and there happens to be a shot spotter there, it picks up on the sun, the sounds of the guns, and it targets the location. So, in the course of all this happening, I remember hearing over the radio communications advising um whatever it was, 25 rounds at the intersection of Broadway and Mount Vernon. Please respond. So I hear sirens, and that was like an immediate relief to me because I know how we all respond, respond to shootings as officers. So I was okay with that as well. So he was like hit the emergency button and was like screaming over the air, like officer shot, officer shot. And I just remember trying to calm him down, which wasn't working. It's completely fine. And then the officer pulled up, and we're putting my partner in the backseat, and I'm trying to get in the backseat, and the and the officer was like not trying to put me in the backseat. And my partner was like, no, she's hit, like, she needs to go. He was like, Oh my god, I didn't even see I'm mind you. I don't know how. I was like covered in blood. I know my face was all cut up from the windshield chattering. Um, but I guess I had Devin's blood on me and maybe blood from my hand. I don't know. So the officer uh takes us to the hospital. The hospital is probably 45 seconds from the incident location. Um and he pulls up to the front of the hospital, and I'm like, I remember saying on body camera, I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, bro? This is the entrance of the hospital. Like, we need to go to the ER. What are you doing? I was like, let me drive. He was like, no, get in the stay in the car. So his adrenaline's pumping, too, which is I can't even imagine his experience. Um, so he brings us around, we get dropped off in the ER. I remember getting out of the car and I was like fumbling with my gun because again, my trigger fingers hit. So they're like trying to give me my gun. I'm trying, I don't know if safety's on, safety's not on, I'm trying to be safe with everything, and I'm just scared shitless. So I they put me on a stretcher, they're wheeling me into the trauma center. And um the sheriff's officer that was working, Cooper, is somebody who I not only graduated to police academy with, but I also went to high school with him. I say that to say he was involved in a shooting probably within the first two to three months of us being cops. And I remember me like looking up at him and I was like, I'm so scared. Like, I am so scared right now. And he's like, It's okay, Liz, it's okay. You're you're here, I'm here with you, you're at the best place, you're okay. So once they wheeled me into the room and they got me situated, I had to go pee. This is so weird, but I had to go pee so bad. And I remember there was this female supervisor, and I just kept telling her, like, I have to go pee. I have to go pee. Can you can you please call Liliana's dad? Can you please get him here? Like, my mind is just on a thousand at this point. Um and I remember, you know, people coming in, interviewing me again because I was able to give such um a specific detail of the suspect. I can still look at you and envision him at the same time. He was wearing a white t-shirt, um, a black wave cap with um some sort of dark cap over top of the wave cap and uh black shorts. And the description of him was spot on because during the investigation they wound up posting exactly that description of him on the news. So it was it was good. Um then I guess you know they wound up taking me into a room after I guess they did whatever test they did on me. I don't even remember. I could have gone for a cat skin, I have no idea what happened. And I had a female officer who was watching my room, and somehow somebody from the street was trying to make contact to see. I guess they got word, I don't know, that we were officers, they shot cops. I I don't really know, but somebody was on that floor that shouldn't have been on that floor and almost made contact with me. So when that happened, they put the hospital on lockdown, and I have a had I had to have a security list of what individuals I wanted in my room. I remember when I was in the room that same night, my daughter's father did come. He and I had recently split up that same year in January. He uh and I still lived together until that June of 2018. So it was now August of 2018 of us being split up. And when he came, I was just asking him, like, can you please bring Liliana? Like, that's the only thing I need right now. And he was just, I remember him saying, like, Liz, it's like in the middle of the night. We're not waking up the baby. Like, I will bring her tomorrow morning for you, and she'll spend the whole day here. So I remember I was like so adamant about that. My daughter came the next morning. I remember screaming, like, just screaming in my room. Like I was just full of rage. I'm like, this was my one time that if something were to happen and I got shot on the trigger finger, like I just remember I was like, get me the fuck out of this hospital. Get me the fuck out of here. And they were like, Liz, you need to calm down. Like, you need to relax. So I had so many people visiting for the next two to three days that I was there. Um, I did have surgery on my hand the following morning. They were put some sort of like large pin that basically stabilized my entire finger again. Um, I do still have numbness in my hand. I don't have a full uh grip, but I was able to get that grip back, and I was able to finally shift because when I went to go, uh I I had problems with gunshots, obviously. And when you qualify, you're hearing nothing but gunshots. So one of the command stamp was kind enough to train me prior to me returning to work, which helped me so much, even though it triggered me. I was actually became probably like it, I was solid hold. Like my my shots were so clear, which built my confidence back up. I was like, I went from no strength in my hand to barely being able to pull the trigger to now I'm was actually I actually went to the uh firearms instructor course, but unfortunately I didn't piss, but that's okay. Um, but I was just so happy that I could be able to do that. While I was out of work, I think I may have said this, I did talk therapy, EMDR therapy, and physical therapy. I did have officers out front of my house and my parents' house on the first week of us getting released from the hospital because everything was still fresh. I say that to say there were three suspects involved. They were on the run. One was on the run for a week and a half, the other two were, I think, were in an additional week. So, with again everything being so fresh, they didn't want retaliation, extra security, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That also put a lot of stress on me because I'm like, I don't even feel safe in my own home right now. Like, yes, I have an officer set sitting out front of my house, but I I don't know. I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 26:54

I want to ask you another question if that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 26:58

Yeah.

Agency Support Trust And Therapy Gaps

SPEAKER_00 26:58

Okay. So, first of all, I'm glad you were okay. And from your story and everything that happened, I can imagine that being the only thing running through your head. Like I I couldn't imagine anything else. You know what I mean? I can relate to that. I would think that that would be the first person that comes to mind is your kid. You did say that there were some long-term effects from this incident. What did your agency do to help you through the incident after it happened? Was there any resources that you had available to you that was provided from them directly? Did they keep in contact with you? What was that process like for you?

SPEAKER_01 27:42

I mean, the first year of me coming back, I mean, I guess I was in contact with one specific command staff individual, but I feel like it faded off. I don't know what the reason is behind it. I can tell you that I work in a I worked in a department of over 300 officers. So with high crime rate, you have a huge department, everybody's being pulled every which way, it dwindles off. And it was up to me if I wanted to continue on the therapy. There was no checking in, like, are you still going to therapy? Do you need anything? Is everything going okay at work? No, there wasn't that. And I actually needed somebody at the time because of what I was dealing with at work. So again, like I said, I just want to speak very vague. I don't want to speak negative on anybody. However, um, now they do have some sort of, I can't think of the exact verbiage of what they have there now. Like it's basically like an officer resilience. I don't know. I guess you go to them, you talk to people. Personally, me, when I was like, I can reflect back five years from now, me being a vulnerable person that I was, like, it would just be diarrhea of the mouth. Now, like moving forward, maybe two, three years, now it's like I don't even trust you people because I felt like everybody was kind of in it for themselves. So again, it fell back on me of if I wanted to seek further help. When I did have therapy, um, I can say that there were several times that I wasn't able to make my appointments due to a late case. My supervisor, there was another female who was going through things outside of work and inside of work. I had there was another detective there who was also going to therapy. Like this specialized unit that I was in towards the very end of my career was just intense. Again, uh single mom, I have a specific schedule. My supervisor tried to navigate as best she could. You know, I was senior detective on my squad, so I was able to say, you know, have say in majority of things. But there were many, many, many times that I wasn't able to either go home or I had to find some sort of sitter to pick up my daughter or find a family member or try to co-parent with somebody who I can't even co-parent with, who was also on the force with me, who also was in a specialized unit. So there was just a lot of moving parts. And I remember specifically, like, I would like to call my mom, and my mom would be like, Elizabeth, like you can't do this anymore. And I was just like thinking to myself, like, who the fuck are you gonna tell me if I can continue on my career? And I was like, it's just the unit I'm in. It's just the unit I'm in. Like, this is a very high demand unit. You know, there's only certain people that know how to properly conduct a thorough investigation when it comes to things like this.

SPEAKER_00 30:50

You know, um, you have your daughter, and I can't imagine what that would be like going back to work after an incident that you went through. How was that for you? Um, was there any second thoughts about maybe not going back to work? Or did it just seem like you had to go back because that was what you wanted to do? Was there any conflict that you had after the incident?

Returning To Work Proving Yourself

SPEAKER_01 31:14

Yeah, there was a lot of conflict. Um when I was shot and I was out. I can't even believe I got any speak on my daughter. My daughter is my saving grease. I swear that she's here solely for me. Again, being shot in the hand. I could only take care of my daughter with one hand. Again, me being a single mom, my mom's kind of in and out. You know, grandparents, brothers, sisters, everybody has their life going on. And primarily it was just me and my daughter. That was it. My daughter's father wasn't coming to my apartment, even though I had invited him to bring he and his girlfriend at the time. Like, listen, I just need Lily here. Um, because that was like, you know, my motivation to get up and do things and take care of her and take care of myself, and I wasn't rotting in bed. So I didn't even sleep as it was because all I had was the scariest, scariest, most glorious nightmares. So I hated sleeping. I'm like, this is awful. This can't be the rest of my life. As I was out of work, there was a lot of uh question, like, well, why didn't Ponte, Ponte is my last name, why didn't Ponte shoot back? What was Ponte doing? Was she hiding under the dashboard? What was her reason for not firing? Why were you able to fire your gun, but she wasn't able to fire her gun? What was she doing? Like that was just a constant question that was getting questioned to my partner, who would then sometimes relate the message to me because he would see how upset it made me and it would trigger me and make me angry. And I was just like, who the F are these people to sit and even question of what I did in a matter of seven seconds? Because I know half of you would have folded and not even known to transition or check your gun or be at eye level so you could see out the windshield. Like, I could go on and on and on and on and on. So I felt like I had something to prove, and that was my fuel and my power to get back to work to prove myself. But people with other people would be like, you have nothing to prove. Like, like you just went through the most craziest incident of your whole life. Why are you even worried about that? But I can say at 25, I was 26, 27 at that time, um young, still vulnerable, felt like I needed to prove myself, not mature enough. Um, that was my tool to go back to work. And when I went back to work, um, my daughter was probably maybe two or three. She was 18 months when the incident happened. So a year and a half after that, I did put her in a daycare that was um right up the street from the police academy. Um, it was great. They took good care of me, they took good care of my daughter. She was so young that it never affected her, and I'm so thankful for that. However, some things I can say, my mental health, I try not to let that fall onto her, and still till this day I battle with that. You know, like it's not normal for my daughter to see me crying. And if mommy's crying, it's because it's for a good reason that she's even crying in front of you. I just never like to cry around my daughter because I don't ever want her to feel any sort of pain that I have gone through, either growing up or from the shooting or whatever it is. So now that I'm out of work, I have been able officially, I can feel to be a full-time. Well, right now I'm full-time because her dad is at uh military training, but I'm able to be present with her. I remember when I would be giving her baths, I would just be so annoyed. Like I would just be so annoyed, which is the whole bath process. And like, why aren't you listening? Like, I would just be focused on work and my cases and just not being present. But there were times that I was present, and when I was present, I was miserable, like just so stressed out, just so maxed out in every which way. Now, again, reverting back to today's time, I'm present, I'm fully active. I mean, I was always an active hands-on mom, but now it's just times 10. Now I'm I'm coming back to I can feel to my normal self. And I don't even know what you would categorize normal as, but I can definitely say my brain is still rewiring itself from not being a robot, you know, from being a robot to not being a robot. Um, and just creating my own schedule and what my day looks like. And if I want to play, you know, plan it around Liliana, I can do that. We travel all over together. That was something I did do shooting. I started traveling and just bringing her with me everywhere I went because I was like, girl, we're obviously in this to win this, and we're gonna do this thing together. So yeah, I mean, she's been all over with me. And now she's eight. I can say she's definitely my mini main. She's so strong-willed, so powerful, so smart, just way above where she needs to be. She's very mouthy at times. We do clash, but it's just like, okay, Liliana, I'm the mom. You're the kid. You're not a teenager, you're not an adult yet. Let's let's take it back a couple notches. But yeah, I mean, my relationship with her now is far more and way better and way more connected than what it was when I was a cop.

Identity Loss After Leaving Policing

SPEAKER_00 37:03

You know, in another episode, I had talked about um the nervous system. And it was something that I experienced, and it's it's not something anybody talks about because I feel like the most that you're gonna feel that your nervous system is shot to hell is when you get out of law enforcement or first responder role. Because then you go home to your life and you realize that you just like you mentioned how you would get annoyed with bathtime. I feel like I was like that with my kids too. I would just be so annoyed, you know, like leave me alone. Or if they're asking questions, I found the questions annoying. I just was over stimulated, I was done with the day, I was burnt out, I just didn't want to give that extra energy. I felt like I had nothing. But when you get out of law enforcement, that what you talk about is trying to rewire your brain. It takes so much work, and nobody tells you this when you get into law enforcement. It's like you get in and you're thinking this is cool as hell. Like I love this, this is fun, and you know, they're telling you all the cool things you get to do, but nobody talks about this part. And this part is this is why I'm doing what I'm doing now, because I have this experience, you have this experience, and this is why we have so many people either leaving law enforcement or not mentally prepared for their job, or you know, they're going through stuff and they don't know how to deal with it because nobody talks about this stuff. If they're prepared when they start their career, they're gonna be way better off than me or you ever were because we didn't have that. But I do want to ask, what has been the hardest part of the transition out of law enforcement into, I guess you can say, a civilian life or civilian world for you? What's been the toughest part?

SPEAKER_01 38:50

So this sounds like very cliche, but I felt like when I left, I like felt like nothing. Like I just felt like this little aunt on the street, just I felt effortless, powerless. I just felt just I don't know, empty. It was, I can't even explain the feeling I had. And then like there was always something in the back of my head that's just like, you need to accept this for what it is. You have there, God has a plan for you. We don't know what that plan is. You just need to surrender. Like, you just need to accept it, accept it, accept it. And I would just think about that every single day, all day. Like, why can't I accept this position? Like, this is to better myself and my daughter. So um, I guess going to my therapist. Now, the therapist I have is the same therapist I went to when my shooting occurred. So I always stayed with her. Um, just because she has so much background and she's seen me over the years go up and down, up and down, up and down, and obviously helped me navigate through my issues. I think I'm almost there. I'm not a hundred percent there, but I'm pretty much right there now. After not accepting it to accepting it, to things falling into place for me, for me, you know, implementing and executing my ideas that I want to do moving forward. Um, I think when things actually start taking off, I feel like I will be satisfied. But again, me being the type A person, I'm like, what's next? What's the next best thing? But now, after this being such like a humbling experience, I do and am able to like revert myself to be present, you know, just be present, appreciate things for what they are now. Like things could have been way, way worse. And believe me, there are things that we haven't even spoken on that I was going through. Um, but yeah, and now I'm just like, okay, this is what it is. I can focus on my daughter. She's at a very important age. And now I'm just trying to make sure she has everything that maybe I may have not had grown up.

SPEAKER_00 41:06

During your career, is there anybody that you made really good connections with that you still keep in contact with?

SPEAKER_01 41:14

Yes, very few, though. Probably out of a 300 man department, I probably skipped some maybe two or three, if you left. Um, I changed my phone number when I retired. I wanted no contact with nobody. I needed to really, really find myself. So I was like, that was the most difficult decision to do change when I've had that same number since I was in sixth grade. Um, so when I changed it, I'm like, my phone's dry, nobody's calling me, nobody's texting me. But that then I grew to love it. And I'm like, now I love this. Like, you will only get my number if I give you my number. So yeah, I mean, I just have a very, very, very hard time trusting people. Um, everybody has weird motives and is in things for their own personal reasons, and I'm not here for that anymore. Yeah. So it's just best that I speak to nobody.

SPEAKER_00 42:13

So tell me two positive things that you have found during your journey out of law enforcement that you are enjoying about your life right now.

SPEAKER_01 42:23

I guess I really overindulge in being a mom. I really do. Like everything is about Liliana Gwen. Everything I do is around her. Sometimes it's probably too much where I'm like, okay, Elizabeth, you need to focus on yourself now. You need to go do things for you, stop buying for her, go buy yourself something. Then there's like mom guilt, and I'm like, this is ridiculous. Um, but I just love being able to be a good mom now. Um, another positive thing, I have found hot yoga and um Pilates, and I have discovered that it has really, really, really helped my mind, body, and soul in many different aspects. Um, you know, physically, I'm releasing that trauma, that buildup trauma that we I never even knew was in my body. Um, and people don't really, you know, I've had my therapist explain to me about the brain and the front part of the brain, back part of the brain and your body, and how things are stored in many different areas. So there's like a whole anatomy aspect of it as well that I was able to discover and find ways to help me just mentally get through what I needed to get through.

SPEAKER_00 43:35

That's good to hear. Um, I I totally get that mom guilt and wanting to just indulge yourself in being a mom because when we're in law enforcement, I can say that um, and I'm sure you can agree, we jump into our job and we jump into our job, and we're not really giving our kids, you know, what they deserve. And I can see how some people might call. Selfish, and I've had this conversation in the very start of the podcast about can you be a mom and be in law enforcement and be successful in both? And though I think you can, it also comes down to your support system. It comes down to you know your understanding of if you have a spouse and if they're gonna understand what you're going through and work with you. And if you have somebody you're co-parenting with, are they gonna be able to work with your schedule? Are they gonna be understanding of, hey, I just got called in. Can you come and get our kid because I got to go to work and be okay with that? I mean, there's so many factors. And even though I can say that I've been in the man's position when it comes to divorce and custody and all of that, I still feel like there is a section of being a mom and being in law enforcement that we have to be there for each other. And I'm sure women in law enforcement don't seem to get along. I mean, it just I don't know if you had the yeah, I don't know if we all had the same experience, but it's like nobody really likes each other when you're female in law enforcement. And you know, this these are the things that where we need support because from my agency, majority of the women were moms, and that support just did not exist. And it's like we need that because we do have a different version of what we have to do at home versus the man. Unfortunately, there are rule uh roles that do exist, and yeah, I think it's it's an important topic. And I and I hope that you guys are able to one day figure that out because it sounds like you're a great mom and you're doing the best that you can. You've already accomplished so much. You got your master's degree. I know you said that you want, um, is it counseling that you're gonna be doing with that degree, or what, what specifically did you get your degree in for master's?

SPEAKER_01 45:55

So I got it in public administration. Okay, so you can pretty much do anything with it, not so much counseling. Um, I was thinking more leaning towards any sort of leadership position or coaching or mentoring, um, a director or something. I mean, I don't know. There's so many different avenues, but anything that's like me guiding or assisting somebody to better themselves in whatever type of category battles.

SPEAKER_00 46:20

Okay. And I know you said that you have a coach, Megan. Um, how do you feel about coaching yourself? I mean, you can be a law enforcement coach and coach people too. Is that something you would be interested in?

SPEAKER_01 46:31

Yes. Um, I've thought about that. I'm like, what could I help people coach themselves through? However, I didn't want to give it too much thought because then I already I'll start doing things. I have so much on my plate right now that I don't want to give myself more than what I'm already taking on. I don't know what I would like to coach somebody in. I don't know if it would be public speaking. I mean, I've always had the fear of public speaking. However, when I was at the Place Academy as a lead instructor, it wasn't there wasn't so much anxiety there because I'm dealing with the majority younger than me. And you know, I'm already in the role that they're trying to get to. So which is more so like, wow, if I have anxiety, if anything, I'm going to build you up. I say that to say, like, I'm reverting back a little bit. When I was in the academy, I can say that I was never offered the opportunity to sit and fully speak about my incident and what it occurred and why I decided to be here, so on and so forth. I had my mouth shut. So you can take what you can take from that. Um, but again, going back to public speaking, I mean, this position that I took on, I'm gonna be speaking in front of the commandstand. That's really intimidating. But I'm like, this is everything that I ever wanted to do. Like, I wanted to tell people my story, what I went through, and all the networking I've been doing, and the females that I'm coming in contact with, and even males, like this is a real thing. This is a serious, serious thing that we do not focus on. And I know you said the same thing, but it's I would like to be the voice. I was never really wanting to keep my mouth shut. So I'm like, I remember thinking about doing this five years ago when I first was involved in the shooting. I'm like, maybe I can do something with that. But the reason why I didn't was not only was I felt like I had to prove something, I also financially thought to myself that I wasn't going to make enough money to take care of me and my daughter. And I had this like private ego thing with going back to her. Like, oh, I can't go back to a salon. I was a cop. Like, why would I do that? That's that's going backwards. So I had all sorts of egotistical issues going on at that stage in my life. Now I'm you know, 35 years old, and I did all of those things. I went back to the place that I started from doing hair and was able to rebuild connections and get ideas and you know take on my own. But yeah, craziness, just craziness.

SPEAKER_00 49:15

We're coming to a close here pretty soon, but I want to ask you, I know that you said you're gonna be doing public speaking in front of like command staff. What is your wish on the message that they get from you?

SPEAKER_01 49:27

I don't even know. Okay, so let's say there's individuals from my agency. I want them to hear the whole background, everything I've gone through starting from childhood, so they can understand, you know, oh wow, like I know her and that makes sense, and maybe we can do this and oh shit, that's really that's really a real thing. We should probably do that. And other agencies, I don't need sympathy from you. I just want to be able to help you to help the next person and the next person and allow it to be a domino effect. And obviously, if I'm doing this as a career, I want this to extend and be able to travel worldwide and tell my story. And you know, I did go get my master's degree, but people get paid for this. And it's my own personal story, so I can't really propagate it.

How To Reach Elizabeth Closing

SPEAKER_00 50:19

Yeah, and you know, your personal story is uh definitely something to learn from because not only does it show the personal journey that you deal with and what other law enforcement agents and officers are dealing with, um, it also kind of goes into the personal side of things and how everybody's circumstances are different. And we don't, maybe in law enforcement, I can't say that I was this way as a supervisor, but there's supervisors who don't know their officers on a personal level. So they just know them professionally. And when something happens on the professional level, it's kind of like check the box, make sure it's good to go and move on. And there's so much more to a person and what is going on with that professional incident that happened. It's it's so much more than that. And really sharing your story kind of touches on that that, hey, this happened. And yes, there might be 300 people in this agency, but just think of how many people are going through something and nobody is supporting them. There isn't this factor that is going to help them be a better officer for your agency because nobody is going past the professional side. So I think that you're gonna do really great in that. And your message was to me, your story is just mind-blowing. I mean, I'm grateful that you're okay. I'm sitting here, I had my mouth open, like what the heck? This is crazy. You know, like this is something that we see in the movies. I know. Yeah. And you know, being a cop, I've had uh some pretty crazy incidents that I've seen and been to. And but that is just, I want to say I've only seen that in a movie. And that is absolutely insane that that happened. Um, but I'm glad you're doing well. I have to say thank you for coming to my podcast to share your story. Um, if at any time that you have something that comes to mind and you want to share it and you want to talk about it, this platform is open to you always. And I know that there is going to be people who have questions. Um, they might want to ask you, you know, how you dealt with certain things or maybe about the resources that you use that helped you the most. If there is anybody who wants to reach out to you, is there uh contact information that you have?

SPEAKER_01 52:40

Yeah, you can give them my email, elizabethconte216 at gnall.com. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 52:47

And I know that you have a salon that you're the owner of, right? You run that. Do you have employees? You have people that work there too?

SPEAKER_01 52:56

No, no, so it's more of um a mobile service. So um I do uh weddings, so I'll go and do the bride's care and her party and/or their makeup, whatever services they need. So do you go nationwide? So it's basically within New Jersey, Delaware, and Pennsylvania. So within three common states.

SPEAKER_00 53:20

Okay, so if there's any listeners out there who need that done, this sounds like your girl. So I will share your Instagram on the biography in the description of the podcast. So if anybody wants to connect with you there, they can. Um, but the last question that I have for you if there is one message that you can share with the listeners today, um, keeping in mind that many of them are first responders and law enforcement officers, what would that message be?

SPEAKER_01 53:49

That I'm an open hair. Like if there's anything anybody ever needed to talk about, I feel like I'm the most down-to-earth person, and I feel like I've been through so many crazy things that I can help, you know, people navigate through. And I think this is my calling. So, yes, whatever help I can give, resources, um, advice, insight, whatever it is, I'm here.

SPEAKER_00 54:15

Awesome. Well, thank you so much, Elizabeth, for joining me today. I appreciate your time. I appreciate you sharing your story for the first time. And of course, like I mentioned before, anything that you need, this is open, this platform is open to you. I am here if you ever need a talk. And for the listeners, thank you guys for joining in. I definitely would like for you guys to reach out to her if you have any questions or if you have a very similar situation that you think that she can give you some insight in. Um, she definitely has a lot of experience and knowledge. She's taught in the academy. You might have some questions for her if it comes to joining law enforcement. And maybe you might want her to speak at your agency to tell her story. So if there's anything that you guys want to reach out to her on her email, it will be listed in the biography of the podcast. I want to tell my listeners that I appreciate you guys. Thank you for the support, and we will see you on the next one. Thank you for joining me on Chapter Blue. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to follow and tag me on social media and share with your friends and fellow officers. If you're interested in joining an episode, I'd love for you to be a part of the conversation. Until next time, stay safe, take care of yourself, and remember you're never alone in this journey.